Howcome you never hear the term deadbeat mom's? Anymore you hear deadbeat dad's everywhere you go. In my personal opinion ANY mother who spends one penny of her child support on herself is one (also a piece of trash). Howcome that term is never used
Well you don't hear about "deadbeat moms" so much, cause well frankly overall mothers are more likely to sacrifice and give up the things they want for their kids. Not saying fathers can't either...they can.
I'm one of those guys that believes, if you got kids...then everything else in your life be damned, you better take care of those kids...come hell or not. It doesn't matter what you want, you got a kid to cherish and enjoy...so friggin' do it!
From personal experience I know equal amounts of "unfit" and "deadbeat" mothers and fathers.
And on that subject my Dad grew up with no father or mother....both of his parents threw him around back and forth and then finally at 16 he was out on his own. He was forced to survive on his own, working as many jobs as it took to make it while trying to keep his little brother out of trouble.
He is honestly the most bitter and angry and emotionally-deached man I've ever known (he never hit me or my mother or anything, and he's always stayed there for us, even when he admitted he wanted to run). Not having either parent give a crap about you can destroy just about every thing else in your life completely.
So even though mothers are more than likely to stick it out and sacrifice, it doesn't always happen. Some mothers are worse than any father could possibly be. But for all those parents out there...take care of your kids. They need you.
I have custody of my ten year old daughter since she was a couple months old.Her mom has not even picked up a phone too call her in two years.Plus she is in jail right now for heroin.Anyway my daughters grandmother(my exes mom who is almost as goofy as her)still keeps in slight contact.During Christmas break my daughter had basketball tournaments.Her "other grandma" came to one of these games.She sat there crying about the her sorry daughter trying too make excuses for her abandoment of my little girl.I swallowed that for my girls benefit.I forget what led to it but she popped off with,...."dads come and go,but mothers are forever"
I think the term dead beat "parent" should apply, as I've seen both fathers and mothers who are sorry excuses and p-i-ss*poor role models. Anyone who does not see about their children financially; emotionally; physically... they definitely earn the term.
My personal experience has been that my ex is usually behind on his support. For the first 1 1/2 yrs of our break up he did not see the kids; call the kids; or would occassionally schedule time to see them and almost always break their hearts after coming up with some excuse. They were miserable. They each acted out in their own way: grades dropped; tears at the drop of a hat; destructiveness....oh that was charming!
Well, something changed in his life and he now takes the kids every-other weekend; has been seeing them one night a week - - every week; calls them on a regular basis. It's friggin' FANTASTIC to see my kids coming out of their unhappiness and reconnecting with him and loving him....because they are receiving the love.
He still stays behind....right now 3 weeks behind...but as long as he takes care of their hearts, I can handle the late payments. It ticks me off when they ask him for something specific, like school supplies or tennis shoes and he says "that's what the child support is for". One time, when my sons asked him for some socks - - SOCKS - - he said "don't your mama know where the store is at?" I called him up personally to give him the answer... :-). I could certainly find the store more often if he knew where the child support office was at! But hey - - I am blessed to have a job that allows me to provide for my children with or without his support. So, when the support comes, if I need something for myself, your darn skippy I'm gonna get it.
Big ups to all you single parents holding it down. Keep up the good work and know that we will all be appreciated for our hard work one day. They may give us grief now, but they will thank us later. I am fortunate that I actually do receive some of that thanks now.
Just my 2 cents here ...... I have 3 kids..... they lived with me and I took care of them...... their dad paid support because he was a cop and had to. The court attached his wages when he started being late .... but he was never there for the kids... he had unlimited visitation ... the first year he came to visit them 5 times... for each birthday and the two major holidays Christmas and Easter... the following year he cut out the birthdays and the following year no visits at all. I am not putting down fathers here either ..... my ex YES! I am putting him down because he was WRONG and he HURT the kids! It is so sad that many mothers and fathers just do not put the kids and their needs above their own... In my opinion ........ mothers and fathers both who love their kids and do rite by their kids are the BEST!! I have high respect for all good loving parents who can and do put their kids first. Just my thoughts........
It is a fiery topic:)
Its frankly more likely to be men who dont take parenting so seriously. An example would be a man who would complain about supporting his own child.
Or a man who has such control issues he felt he had some right to how money in a household other than his own is spent. That sort lack of family loyalty gives non custodial dads a bad name. Which isnt fair to non custodial dads like my ex who is a man with integrity and maturity.
I think I could have been much clearer in my initial reply to this topic.
I was really trying to get at the point that all of you have made in a much clearer way than I did, but then, I speak from theory and observation, and you have been there, which makes a huge difference.
I remember when I was in college, there was a lady in my program who was raising her 4 year old by herself, worked 2 jobs, and took 3 classes a semester because she wanted to better her life and her daughters life. I was feeling overwhelmed at times by my 5 classes and one part time job. There were a few of us that were so amazed by how she could manage that we tried to help whatever way we could. (ie. tutoring her if she missed classes, offering to babysit, etc).
I have no idea why I told that story, other than that to this day, she is someone I really admire.
hhmmm......well as a woman who raised 2 kids on my own, no child support & fathers came when it was convenient for them, which sometimes wasn't even once a year. Anyway, that *child support* is meant for the SUPPORT of the child, not intended for them to use to buy toys or whatever with. It is intended to HELP with the rent/mortgage, utilities, food, clothing, schooling & whatever else. If a woman or man uses any or all of the support it really isn't anyone elses business on what it gets spent on, as long as the CHILD is properly taken care of & the parent is not wasting it on booze or drugs. & just to clarify something, there are lots of *deadbeat moms* out there in this world, but more woman have custody of the kids, so obviously deadbeat dad is a more common phrase.
I think that until you have raised a child as a single parent... male or female, you have no clue to the difficulties of it... emotionally AND financially.
I raised my daughter for 14 years without the emotional support of her father... he didn't use his visitations and for over a year didn't pay his child support.
I got so sick of him telling my daugther that I was spending HER money. Especially when times came up for him to pay his portion of a medical expense.
Let's look at a month this way:
Rent - $600 per month
Food - $300
Utilities - $300
That in itself is $300 HIS responsibility ($1200 divided by 2 of us divided by half my responsibility to support her and half his.... even though he made 3x the money I made... I'm being generous here)
Activities - $100 (my daughter played sports)
Clothing - $50 (very conservative)
THere's always school activities, school supplies, gifts to buy for friends, etc...
The above amounts would be almost $400 with every cent spent on her... I was awarded $265 a month child support. NOW... who made up the difference?? You're right... ME... I made sure she had everything she needed. I resented it when he implied that I spent HER money on me... not so.
Anyway... I'm sure there are situations where it happens. If it does... let the courts deal with it... don't talk to the child about what mom or dad should or should not be doing.
OK... this was more than planned... sorry... but I dealt with this for years... she's grown and married now.
He tells everyone that WE did a great job raising her... hmmmmm.
A dead beat mom or dad is someone who skips out mainly financially but also emotionally and physically.
I know a few deadbeat moms but many deadbeat dads. Face it traditionally it is the men. However it seems more and more it is the women. It is sad and painful either way.
I also know women who gouge for every penny some poor guy kills himself working for.
I could go on forever.
But back to your original post. How dare some looser who has only paid his support maybe 6 times in 13 years question how I spend one damn penny of his pittance.
As long as the child is cared for physically and emotionally what does it matter.
When she pays her rent does she wait for your damn check to add in you portion. Or at the grocery store does she say sorry honey you can't have that even though mommy has money daddy did send you part. It doesn't work that way. You pay what needs to be paid when it needs to be paid and after all of the bills are paid if she wants to buy something for herself so be it. Most of the time the kids have more than the single moms.
Unless the kid is filthy, unhealthy, poorly dressed or neglected you need to let it go. If the child is any of these things you need to take care of the child before you worry about a few dollars.
As usual this is just my opinion based on my life and the lives of people I know.
First of all, what do you define, spending it on herself as? I agree with you to a point, but to look at an extreme example, lets say that she blows a tire out on her car, which she needs to get to work. She needs to work to help support the child that you share, and she can't at the moment afford a new tire out of her money, so she uses some of the support payment for it. Is that spending it on herself?
However, if she's spending it on wants and not needs, then that is indeed trashy and low.
As for why no one calls women like that deadbeat moms, I would imagine is has alot to do with several factors. Firstly, men have traditionally been the major breadwinners in the family, and even today, the average salary for a man is higher than that for a woman. So, since a woman is not viewed as having to make payments to the father, and deadbeat is a term applied to someone who doesn't pay their bills, you don't really hear about "deadbeat mothers".
If your child is going without because her mother is spending support money on Gucci bags or whatnot, I think it transcends deadbeat and heads straight on over to "unfit" though.