WOW thats just CRAZY !! Sorry about your situation , I spose this kind of thing can be found in both S_ex relationships, its unfortunate her insecurities have caused this for you ... I hope u find a nice larger gal who will appreciate you
What ever you do don't change yourself for others... you'll end up miserable. Also If you haven't been heavy before you might develop health problems. I haven't had any problems being big but I have been a BBW for most of my life, some of my friends that weren't and gained a lot had issues. Anyway if you change your weight for her whats next? Is she going to keep asking you to change yourself till your not yourself anymore?
I can kind of relate to this a little. My best friend is very tall (6'1") and built like a brick chithouse. Men just go ga-ga over her (she's married to a great guy, btw), and sometimes when I'm hanging out with her in a public place, I feel a little worthless or ugly in comparison. Poor self-esteem is something that many women (and men) of size battle with daily, mostly because a good percentage of men can be very shallow (God bless those men who aren't!).
I have guy friends who have displayed some pretty shallow behavior (such as abandoning me for a thinner woman in a club), and when confronted with it begin to understand how hurtful they were being, albeit unintentionally. It made me feel like they were embarassed by me and wanted to get away, making me embarassed to be who I am. I'm still friends with a couple of these men, but they now have become much more aware of their behavior and taken steps to be more considerate. They still wouldn't date me, though (well, one of them is married with kids now, and the wife is a thin blonde thing, of course).
I do find myself being much more reclusive and cautious these days, having been hurt by the kind of behavior I mentioned. Breaking out of that shell is hard to do, but in order to find peace within yourself, you have to take some chances. Hence the reason I signed up on this site.
You don't offend anyone... If you did then they just aren't worth worrying about. Anyway she sounds insecure. Tell her how much you care about her and love her how she is. If it doesn't work you just might have to move on and find someone who actually believes in herself. It's hard to be positive all the time but eventually a person has to realize that they have to deal with themselves and that their negative self esteem effects everyone in their life. It's then that they have to say am I going to live happy with myself despite of my so called flaws or because of the flaw. You need a woman that likes herself no matter if it's because she is something or despite she is something.
i agree with some of what MorrigansTear was saying, about the inability to change your own perceptions just because other people tell you other wise. and in Justanice's case, well, i feel kind of embarrased for those im out with. Size is just one issue. I mean, im embarrased out my size for myself. hate it hate it hate it. but, say, we'll use a friend of mine as an example. I care about him a lot, we're friends with a tad more, but in my mind, he can do *so* much better than me. my size and appearance *do* play a role (not the sole cause, but a role) and i feel like im pulling him down when he deserves more. (I say he deserves more as a friend, not as someone cutting themselevs down, but as his friend i look out for him.) and until i lose weight so that *I AM HAPPY/IER* with myself, i would refuse to be too much more than friends with him.
it doesnt make it right, but it makes sort of a perverse sense.
Wow Justanicegrrl, I'm really impressed. Not just by your gentle patience with your girlfriend, but also with your common-sense reaction to the suggestion that you gain weight. Until I read that, I just thought your girlfriend was so insecure she didn't want you being teased for the kind of gal you're attracted to. Now, I'm starting to wonder. Is she just being selfish, or is there something else going on? I hope you either find out what the real issue is & are able to work through it, or find someone who appreciates what a great girlfriend they have in you.
I think I can understand what your ex-g/f feels/felt and why she reacted like that..
I often do the same. When I am alone with a person (friend, partner, family) I'm ok, I'm happy, I don't worry, I'm just me.
But as soon as a third person appears or we go out or we meet somewhere where we can be seen, I feel uncomfortable.. affraid..
My thoughts are (in just a few words): "OMG, what will these people think about me? What will they think about my friend for knowing somebody like me? He/she must feel so embarrast now. Why would somebody like she/he want to be around someone like me?"
Only by turning away from that person you protect the person from being humiliated because of you. And you protect yourself from being hurt by attacks not directed to you but your dearest. Having to hear your best friends take tasteless comments because of the way you look hurts too!
Maybe that does not make sence to most people, but in my mind (for example) it does.
I'm sorry, but I am NOT the powerfull, confident, cheery "I'm fat and love it and I don't give a damn if you like it or not"-Lady a lot of people tell me to be.
And: I don't WANT to be it.
A lot of people are not happy with how they look. Too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, nose too big.. whatever..
Why do I "have to love myself to be able to love somebody else"? (Gee, you don'T even know me but you can analyse my deepest feelings like that? Riiight!)
Why do I have to be "proud of my big bu*t and every pound I call my own"? (If I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm pretty. If it were that easy to change how you feel about yourself, why are there so many therapists etc.?)
All these comments sound like the annoying advices from teenage-magazines... (No offence meant, just my own oppinion).
For the partner of a person that thinks the same way (or similar) that I do will always have a hard time.
It's like always fighting in a never ending war you may never really win and the battles are exhausting and will repeat themselves over and over again..
Of course that is not fair, but I (for example) can't change it.
I try to react differently but often it just doesn't work.
I need somebody to tell me over and over again why they love me and even if they explain it, it will not be explaination enough, because the thoughts do not make sence to me or just partly... (The "why do you love me?"-discussion.. Does anyone have a satisfying answer to that?)
I guess I drifted off a little but maybe Tracey (?) thinks similar?
It's hard to understand and hard to explain.. And it isn't your fault.. It's just.. why would a butterfly want to be together with a frog?
(If you find spelling mistakes, you can keep them!)
Why did you start off with "I'm sorry if I offend anyone"?? You don't need to apologize!!
Unfortunately, it sounds like you may have dated a couple of larger women who are just very insecure about themselves. That's sad...for them. They're missing out on a great woman because of their own issues with their bodies.
I don't know how important comfort is to everyone but it's a priority of mine. I don't like being with someone who is too small(height and weight). I'm a big guy and I'm okay with it. But when I've dated someone alot shorter or smaller than myself it made me feel huge. I like being with someone who makes me feel comfortable. For all the politically correct reason this is wrong it doesn't change how I feel. We all come in different shape, sizes, and colors. We should choose to be with someone who makes us feel good both physically and emotionally. There is no justification for who we're attracted to. We shouldn't hav't to defend when we're not.
Hopefully your friend will realize soon that she loveable for herself not just her shape, size, or looks. Good Luck! On another note. Why would you start off apologizing for who you are and who you love. OR did I take that wrong?
Theo! I am astounded, you must be a totally different person than the Theo we've seen here before. That's got to be THE perfect advice. Have you visited OZ and gotten a huge heart? I also feel that she should be as loving and understanding as possible then just make her partner aware of her feelings; it's just that you said it so very well.
First of all, welcome to the site justanicegirl! I am so sorry to hear what happened. Maybe if you talk to her and reassure her that her size does not matter to you. I relate this to a large woman who has a hard time accepting that a thin man would want to be with her.... I don't think it matters whether they are the same gender or not. She might be saying she's embarrassed in order to save you any embarrassment (like Theo said). Good luck sweetie... don't let this set you back. If you really care for her, let her know that and hopefully it will work out for you.
I've heard of thin people being ashamed to be seen with fat people (mostly on here... never in the real world) but I've never heard of a big person not wanting to be seen with a thin person.
It sounds to me like she's just feeling physically insecure and is embarrassed FOR you, instead of of you. If I were you I'd walk up to her, give her a big kiss and a hug and tell her that she is utterly beautiful.