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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Apr 13, 2010 12:44

I could use a little moonlit magic right about now. There is nothing wrong with a twirl or two around a star or three. We are on a "break".. kind of. Well, he's living somewhere else. Long story, and I am heartbroken. Come help me mend.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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butterbll
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Apr 20, 2010 23:00

Qadesh/Laura I think Quite a few people today have lived lives that would equal the best tv dramas of today.I know My child hood life would make a Fair Movie of the week at least 3 hours and maybe a mini series . My married years would rival the drama of Desperate Housewives,or Dynasty .


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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Apr 20, 2010 06:45

Quoting NeoAnderson

This poem holds true for the romance I'm about to exit. In fact it's word for word correct. She has tried to possess me and it has turned me completely off of her. I've never met someone who's so controlling, critical and opinionated. It is so bad that I'm moving back to Las Vegas. No one worth possessing Can be quite possessed; Lay that on your heart My young angry dear, This truth, this hard and precious stone Lay it on your hot cheek Let it hide your tear. Hold it like a crystal When you are alone, And gaze into the depths of the icy stone. Long, look long and you will be blessed: No one worth possessing can be quite possessed. I've spoken at length with Amuse and I'll continue to do so. We're both in a strange place and it helps to have someone to talk to. LA


:waves:


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Apr 20, 2010 06:44

Quoting Qadesh

AmuseMe, I am glad to know that you are on the mend. Once again only you can judge,decide what went wrong and what was right with him, and the combination of you and he. I believe that this love revisited holds lessons for you to look at long and hard, with the cold eye of indifference. Observe it like you would for another person, and I think that you will find some soul crunching answers. My theory is that you are now unencumbered to pursue, or to be pursued by new men. The universe does not give us direct answers, a point of contention even with myself! I understand your second paragraph completely, however...I have not had that for 12 yrs. The longing burns through our strongest resolve. That is why I encouraged you not to SETTLE. That is something that was etched into my brain by my Mom, when I asked her at the tender age of 17 if she truly loved my stepfather(who beat the whole family as his form of love)or if she thought that it was her last chance? Her reply was the latter. I have been encouraged by a friend of mine to take what comfort I can get from whatever man I was dating at the time, when I knew that he was not for me. Yet it was I that didn't want to hurt them. That is why at this juncture I am alone, by myself. Don't think that I am impervious to that longing, that ache, the not knowing if I will remain this way forever, but at the end of my day I do know that I have to be comfortable with myself, and the skin that I am in. You too shall do this in your own time. It has taken me about a 1/2 hr to find this poem I want to share with you, by Sara Teasdale entitled Advice to a Girl. No one worth possessing Can be quite possessed; Lay that on your heart My young angry dear, This truth, this hard and precious stone Lay it on your hot cheek Let it hide your tear. Hold it like a crystal When you are alone, And gaze into the depths of the icy stone. Long, look long and you will be blessed: No one worth possessing can be quite possessed. I too have been betrayed and that is worst by far than anything else that could have been done. My story requires margaritas my dear on the veranda, as well as a copyright! lol I thought that with the green check mark that you are a preferred member, that is why I suggested sending me an email. Once more sweetie I am glad that you are feeling better. Take your time, do something fun even if it's blowing bubbles into the spring air. You are a survivor, been kicked in the pants before, and have risen to the occasion and shall do so once more. You have before you the strength and wisdom of women..... Be well. Qadesh/Laura


laura - what a beautiful name, I never knew I don't think! ... but Laura, I believe your theory is correct. I have been thinking about how now, after 17 years, I can let go of the "what if's" I had been feeling. And you are right, I can now pursue new relationships with this baggage... this thought that no one is ever going to be as good as he was for me.. because in reality, ANYONE would have treated me better. And thank you for taking the time to find this poem, it is very powerful. I know I will rise again... meet new fella's... not sure what I want at the moment, but I know I am making a trip to the adult toy store this week! lol ok, my last name is greene so look me up on the face pages and then we could email. I would love to sit in the shade with you, my margaritaville, and our stories.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Apr 20, 2010 06:34

Quoting butterbll

Amuse I am sending you good vibes your way. I ask you, PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN TO YOUR LIFE!!!!!! I have to say Any person who drinks to excess and loses control and becomes violent you DO NOT need in you life. Sober they may be a "Saint" but when they get boozed up the become the MarQuis DE SADE . You don't need the *******Drama! As some one who has to deal with a loved one (dad) who had a problem with booze and the Deamons it can conjer up. All I can say you life is better off with out him . If he takes the abusive attiude that you cant tell him, anything . I fear he considers you Chattle and to be used as HE see's fit. If his soo called freinds/buddies were Real Men, they would have taken him aside and "POLITELY" shown him the Error of his ways.However they did not. It to me shows the cailber and emotional maturity of men they are . In my opinion (Drunkard TRASH) For If they were Gentlemen they would not have forced you to leave at 1AM with 20.00 in you pocket.I can Say I have little tolerance for Drunkards who think they can do no wrong and the world revolves around them.


Neal, I couldn't let him come back if I wanted to, which I don't. It's complicated to explain, but the short of it is he has broken all the trust and safety that was the foundation of our relationship. I grew up in a house with an abusive alcoholic father... I know what's coming if I let him stay. I deserve better, my kids deserve better... my sick mother deserves to live in a house without a man that reminds her of her alcoholic ex-husband. About his so called buddies... you have hit the nail on the head in regard to how I feel they all should have behaved that night.. but he doesn't see it.. he still thinks they "had his back". I don't know what type of mentality this is, bro's before ho's, I guess. Yet another knife in the back, or point to be considered, if he thought so little of me. But I will be OK, thank you for your wisdom and words of encouragement. I need them to heal, you know... not because I am weak and want him back... because I don't, but because I still hurt over all of this, and mostly feel worthless.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Qadesh
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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Apr 18, 2010 08:31

AmuseMe, I am glad to know that you are on the mend. Once again only you can judge,decide what went wrong and what was right with him, and the combination of you and he. I believe that this love revisited holds lessons for you to look at long and hard, with the cold eye of indifference. Observe it like you would for another person, and I think that you will find some soul crunching answers. My theory is that you are now unencumbered to pursue, or to be pursued by new men. The universe does not give us direct answers, a point of contention even with myself! I understand your second paragraph completely, however...I have not had that for 12 yrs. The longing burns through our strongest resolve. That is why I encouraged you not to SETTLE. That is something that was etched into my brain by my Mom, when I asked her at the tender age of 17 if she truly loved my stepfather(who beat the whole family as his form of love)or if she thought that it was her last chance? Her reply was the latter. I have been encouraged by a friend of mine to take what comfort I can get from whatever man I was dating at the time, when I knew that he was not for me. Yet it was I that didn't want to hurt them. That is why at this juncture I am alone, by myself. Don't think that I am impervious to that longing, that ache, the not knowing if I will remain this way forever, but at the end of my day I do know that I have to be comfortable with myself, and the skin that I am in. You too shall do this in your own time. It has taken me about a 1/2 hr to find this poem I want to share with you, by Sara Teasdale entitled Advice to a Girl. No one worth possessing Can be quite possessed; Lay that on your heart My young angry dear, This truth, this hard and precious stone Lay it on your hot cheek Let it hide your tear. Hold it like a crystal When you are alone, And gaze into the depths of the icy stone. Long, look long and you will be blessed: No one worth possessing can be quite possessed. I too have been betrayed and that is worst by far than anything else that could have been done. My story requires margaritas my dear on the veranda, as well as a copyright! lol I thought that with the green check mark that you are a preferred member, that is why I suggested sending me an email. Once more sweetie I am glad that you are feeling better. Take your time, do something fun even if it's blowing bubbles into the spring air. You are a survivor, been kicked in the pants before, and have risen to the occasion and shall do so once more. You have before you the strength and wisdom of women..... Be well. Qadesh/Laura


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butterbll
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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Apr 18, 2010 01:41

Amuse, If all he has is excuses and he refuses to even Admit he was even a bit wrong. You must let Him go! I speak from experiance. My ex to this day refuses to admit that she threw me out of the house,or ever except 25% of the blame of the marriage problems. (she said I was the one who left)She said I was welcome to stay. But,the Trailer was on her dads property, Her mom and dad lived right next door, close enough to open the back door and Pee on the other trailer.Her bossy pain in the AZZ sister and hubbie lived 25 yards away. Yeah Id'e be welcome there as a Floater in a punch bowl. So let him go.If you get really lonely, adopt a dog. You will be out less money, and have less stress in the long run. A plus is you will have a better companion who loves you unconditionally and wont leave the seat up.


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butterbll
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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Apr 18, 2010 01:23

Amuse I am sending you good vibes your way. I ask you, PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN TO YOUR LIFE!!!!!! I have to say Any person who drinks to excess and loses control and becomes violent you DO NOT need in you life. Sober they may be a "Saint" but when they get boozed up the become the MarQuis DE SADE . You don't need the *******Drama! As some one who has to deal with a loved one (dad) who had a problem with booze and the Deamons it can conjer up. All I can say you life is better off with out him . If he takes the abusive attiude that you cant tell him, anything . I fear he considers you Chattle and to be used as HE see's fit. If his soo called freinds/buddies were Real Men, they would have taken him aside and "POLITELY" shown him the Error of his ways.However they did not. It to me shows the cailber and emotional maturity of men they are . In my opinion (Drunkard TRASH) For If they were Gentlemen they would not have forced you to leave at 1AM with 20.00 in you pocket.I can Say I have little tolerance for Drunkards who think they can do no wrong and the world revolves around them.


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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Apr 17, 2010 23:30

Thanks you guys for your words of encouragement. Quadesh, I don't have the ability to email you directly, maybe we can connect somewhere else. ? Maybe that will come out... Basically, he's been calling me... telling me he loves me, but never has taken full responsibility for what happened. A week ago I needed him to say to me that he was sorry that he hurt me and wouldn't ever drink again... but today, I know he never will be... because he can't swallow his pride and admit when he was wrong... and I am ok with that. I have come to realize that I don't love him like I thought I did. I don't know if it's because he hurt me so badly and is incapable of taking responsibility for it... or if it's because of some other reason? I loved being able to feel a warm body in bed with me at night. I loved being in love. I loved being able to look at someone and call them honey or babe... I loved the intimacy... when we were intimate. There was so many things wrong in our relationship that I could write for two days and still not touch on the really important stuff. I guess it's all important, just small scale. I've realized that he's never really done anything for me, unless it was NOT doing something that he'd sacrificed. And I think he was secretly ashamed of riding me on his bike. But that is just an insecurity that I have developed over time that probably holds no water... but knowing that doesn't change the suspicion. Anyway, I just want you all to know that I am doing ok. I am getting through this with the help of friends and family, and it's really not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I guess I'm just vulnerable and hurt and feeling worthless to him... but at the end of the day, when I get his text message saying "i'm intoxicated so I know you don't want to talk, but I wanted to tell you goodnight and I love you"... it really just pisses me off anymore.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Qadesh
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Apr 15, 2010 11:22

AmuseMe, Darlin' YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about! Be forewarned that this will be my opinions and not meant to harm you in anyway shape or form. With that being said....it is he that should be embarrassed as hell;as well as all the other members of the boy's club! Really?!?!? good ole boys club??? If he is able to binge drink like that no matter what the reason (peer pressure?) that in my humble opinion is not a good thing at all. Done once will more than likely do it again. Not one man stood up for you and your situation. That in of itself is cause for Red Alert( insert Captain Pickard's voice) Sleep in the parking lot in the car,perhaps in a different time, place, cause/reason. There seems to be an underlying cause for his drunken tirade that came to light only when his brain was malfunctioning on alcohol. So this brings me to ask you this. Has he complained about this to you before, or was it only after the massive amount of booze? As for an apology, I know that you are smarter than that, but you are clouded with your own emotions as well as you should be. No judgment here, but if he does not see the whole picture and his apology to you was his own defense, he simply doesn't "get it". Send me an email on here so we can talk in more detail without revealing any more details lol. You deserve better and you know it in your heart and mind. No one but you can make any decisions in what course you decide to venture on. I would think that there is someone in the wings for you now that the path has been cleared....... If it helps I detest him! Deep breathe baby girl..... deep breathe. Disclaimer: I have been single for almost as long as I was married, so the the !*^%(^ do I know? lol even @ myself. Thinking of you. Qadesh


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sparkles2002
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Apr 15, 2010 05:12

Amuse...I know what your going through right now, sort of been through something similar recently, where i have felt so betrayed & so unjustifiably mistrusted & mistreated....but we older & wiser girl, we might not know what we do do want exactly but sure as hell know what exactly we dont want....we also know that with hugs & tlc from those closest, punching hell out of your pillow at night & being with those that care & make you laugh....can all help to soothe & ease the bruising & stop your heart hurting! xxx


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Lavendar1
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Apr 14, 2010 17:21

AmuseMe, we're all pulling for you! :)  It's really tough when you go through something like that but you just have to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel and if you just keep doing what's right and keep moving, you'll get where you want to be. :)  And hey, joining here to take a "twirl around a star or three" is a good idea...you deserve love and kindness, we all do. :)

In my marriage I was the one that left (he was very abusive) but afterwards it still took me a while to recognize that all of the love and kindness I put out I should have been getting in return all along.  Now I feel empowered to go out and seek it, and hopefully this site will be a terrific tool in that regard for all of us! :)

Be Blessed! :)



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smoosh
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Apr 14, 2010 14:29

Thinking of you Amuseme - I share in your heartbreak and wish what you wish for. Hugs and smooshes. Smoosh


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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Apr 14, 2010 11:17

Quoting Babycakes63

Gurl, tell me about it! Sending good vibes your way!


Thanks, babycakes.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Apr 14, 2010 08:43

Qadesh. I wish I could hug and squeeze you. It's a long story... I blogged it the other day but deleted it before it posted, out of embarrassment. I've put him out and no longer know if it was the right thing to do or not, considering the circumstances. Once the fighting gloves come off and all that's left are the bruises and hurt, things get confusing. I guess I should explain a little... it's hard to imagine unless you were there. I shouldn't have deleted my blog about it, it made me feel better to have written it down. Last Saturday night Alcohol turned him into an animal. Him and 4 of his buddies. We were up at his clubhouse 200 miles away from home and he and his wolfpack put me out into the street at 1 in the morning with $20 in my pocket (spent $95 getting brakes fixed on my way up there) too many drinks to drive and way too hysterical for my own good. They did this to me because he'd downed half a GALLON of Crown and was out of his mind. He'd started arguing with me over his "employment" position and was getting madder, so I said I was going to bed. He followed me into the bunkhouse and I had told him to just let me go to bed. He exploded, how dare I tell him what to do in his clubhouse, I needed to get the f**K out. This tirade escalated until his so called "brothers" (people who were supposed to be my friends too), joined in telling me I had to leave, even though they invited me. Well, the story is way longer than that but I can't get into it in more detail right now. Needless to say, I put him out when I got home. I threw all of his sh*t out into the yard on Sunday and he didn't bother coming round to get it til Monday. I didn't even get an apology from him until Monday, and then it was after I sat there listening to him try and defend himself, he trying to reason with me that I would have been ok sleeping out in the parking lot! I hate him for this... but I want him to be sorry! I want him to beg me to forgive him - forever... or until I can, whichever comes first. But he wont. He still thinks I threw him out because I am mad at him. I would rather have been assaulted and gang raped by strangers than have been treated like that... been betrayed like that, by him.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Qadesh
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Apr 13, 2010 21:06

AmuseMe, Pray tell what has happened? Although we are word friends I think that you have inside of yourself the strength, the reserve it will take to think this through. I know that at times if I heard one more person tell me how strong I was that I would just scream. What causes the heartache? that he is gone living elsewhere? Or is it something else? Know that you are worth your weight in gold, that you deserve to be treated with kindness, appreciation, graciousness. Do not SETTLE for anything less. I found strength in the music of Etta James. Check her out. When I can find the CD that pulled me through I will let you know the name of it. Until then dear one, be well, treat yourself well. In the deepest depth of sorrow there is no time.....let yourself begin to heal. Qadesh who by the way thanks you for your kind words although I am sure there are a few who would beg to differ lol.


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Babycakes63
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Apr 13, 2010 20:42

Gurl, tell me about it! Sending good vibes your way!


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