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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Nov 18, 2009 01:06

Wanted to bring up topic¿that I come across in the dating scene quite a lot ....Rejection.

So we are here on a dating site wanting to meet someone but for many their biggest fears are that of being rejected when they do meet someone.¿ I have heard from some that they wont even meet someone till they have had months of talking and have established a connection for the fear of being rejected before the person has gotten to know them.¿ Though of course this can still happen because attraction is far more than the connection you can make chatting on here.

¿

So is a rejection something personal, that makes one lesser in some way, not worthy?¿ Do we get down on ourselves so much that it actually stops us from being who we are?¿ I know when I first started online dating it was a big issue for me.¿¿I had my fair share of rejection and did take it personally.

¿

Now I know that rejection is not that of me personally.¿ It may be that our personalities dont match but someone else will find me fabulous.¿ They may not be attracted to my body, but have had others drool¿over it.¿ lol¿ It may be that our goals are different and creating a future just wont work easy.¿¿It can be so any different things sometimes nothing to do with¿me at all.

¿

I want everyone to remember that rejection is not a rejection of you just a rejection of what sort of relationship the other person sees could be created with you and that does in no way may less of you.¿¿We all are in different places and have different needs, and not everyone is right for each other, but yet is fabulous in their own way.¿ Thanks for letting me share this.¿ ;)



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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4mydreamgirl
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Feb 13, 2010 19:47

thats one reason why, i guess i dont date much, afraid of being rejected,id look and dont say anything, and then spend rest of my life wondering,what if, im learning the hard way to change that, its hard being 48 and home alone at night..

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butterbll
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Nov 26, 2009 22:55

Oz, I will try to answer your 1,000,000 Dollar question "Why do we have such a hard time seeing our own worth?" I feel the reason is "We" personally know all our faults,and insecurities(what ever they are),coupled those fears with ones when one is dating (the fear of the unknown or will (s)he like me?" I feel it can lead to one subconsiously sabatageing one's own relationship to fufill one's own fears.There ia a old saying from a "B" movie and I will paraphrase it "I have looked in the mirror and the monster that is us stared back!" I take this to mean that some of the monsters "we" face in life are of our own greation and they are being created from our Darkest ID. I think as a species,we rise to our greatest potential when we face ,wrestle with ,and conquer those inner deamons. For I feel that those monsters are the are more vicious than the ones acctually lurking in the real world.


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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Nov 24, 2009 14:33

Quoting LonelyInFL:

You're absolutely right Oz. Life is what we make of it (like most I'm learning the hard way). You have to make your own happiness. We're all human and as such we have fight the urge to think the worst of ourselves...to not be our own enemy (which is practically impossible).

Trust that eventually you'll find the right person for you and seek happiness in every small way possible.

?

M



Hey there LonelyinFL thanks for commenting good to see you back in the blogs.¿ :)¿¿

¿

Sadly you are too right and we do seem to learn the hard way, I know that is one of my stupid points. lol¿ Though too often I find we treat our friends better than we do ourselves, and as you say, are our own enemy.¿

¿

Why do you think that is?¿ Why do we have such a hard time seeing our own worth?

¿

¿



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Nov 24, 2009 14:27

Quoting Lexxillee:

Hello Oz, Really enjoyed reading the different views here...There are so many factors that make up rejection...Can go back to childhood and how we are taught to deal with life's issues...No-one likes to feel that there is possibly something the matter with them...If like you we look at the finishing of this chapter in our life by the possible reasons as you mentioned it should be less painful perhaps...Have to admit to not like being on either side of the coin so to speak.


Hi there Lexxillee good to see you in the blogs and glad you are enjoying reading them.¿ I do agree with you that there are many elements that form our views on rejection and being either the rejector or rejectee can stir these up.¿ Though I do question whether we can be what we call "rejected" unless we allow our selves to be.¿ For me the feeling of rejection did form from my childhood and countless other times in my life that in some way seemed to happen just to prove that in some way I was not good enough.¿ Sadly I was the one that accepted that evaluation, so it was I that sadly made that real in my life.

¿

Now I have a healthier view point, well I think I do anyway?¿ lol¿ If someone does not find me suitable or wonderful then they have issues to deal with.¿ hehehe¿ Allows me to keep smiling . :)



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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aimeefla
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Nov 24, 2009 10:28

Quoting NellyElly:

What do you do when you fear rejection so much that you don't actually put yourself out there to experience it? I have such a lonely existence because i am frozen with fear that in my 40 years of living i have only met two people. Both times i rejected them because i was scared they would do it to me and through my niavity said the dreaded words, 'it's not you it's me'. I cringe at myself knowing that i said that and can't understand why they didn't want to stay friends... any words of wisdom from anyone? :)


NellyElly, You are not alone, there are support groups out there for you. The other thing I want to say Ditto to what others have told you. That being said, you are assured of not getting over it 100 % by not making any attempt. You rejected them, they lived and moved on. Are you unhappy with yourself for rejecting them? Exactly what are you unhappy about? Being loney is a choice you've made for reasons, it seems one is to segregate yourself from every feeling anything for anyone. Waht a shame to isolate yourself and not share you with others. You're not getting the benefit of being loved. First love yourself, then others will come. It's not easy- it does take work and it's not impossible. I did it, I'm glad. Good luck to you. :-) be thankful for you one of G-d's children. Natalie


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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Nov 22, 2009 15:32

Quoting NellyElly:

What do you do when you fear rejection so much that you don't actually put yourself out there to experience it? I have such a lonely existence because i am frozen with fear that in my 40 years of living i have only met two people. Both times i rejected them because i was scared they would do it to me and through my niavity said the dreaded words, 'it's not you it's me'. I cringe at myself knowing that i said that and can't understand why they didn't want to stay friends... any words of wisdom from anyone? :)


Thanks for sharing here NellyElly it must have taken courage for you to do it though I do suspect that you are not the only one here that feels like this.

¿

I can only give you my opinion, and hope that many others do as well. :)

¿

Fear and our own thoughts can have a devistating effect on us and will stop us even when we think we want to go forward.¿ None fo us really have the answers here for you NellyElly, though maybe one of us can help you look at it differently and hopefully start to unravel some of this in your head.

¿

First I would ask what exactly are you afraid of, that they wont find you , pretty enough, smart enough, tall enough?¿ Or could it be that you are afraid of what comes after that you are afraid to love?¿ Only you can answer this for yourself but there are 2 things here that I want to make comment on.

¿

You mention here that you rejected 2 men because of the fear of rejection from them and said that "its not you its me" and you were right, it was you and not them.¿ Thinking of these 2 men, would you say that they were bad men, not worthy of love, some how less?¿ Would you want them to think of themselves that way because you rejected them?¿ I am going to guess that the answer is no?¿

¿

So why do think that way of yourself?¿ A rejection as far as Im concerned is always to do with the rejectee, I have rejected many I will admit, way more than I have been rejected.¿ There is not one case that that I did no think that they were nice men, had things to offer etc, but were right for me, maybe they had different interested, communication level,¿there was no chemistry from my side or they just did not fit into the plans that I could see for my future.¿

¿

Another reason that I think that rejection can be an issue is because of expectations.¿ We meet someone we like, we hope they like us, we expect that this will lead to something more and this becomes very important to us, creating stress and fear of being rejected.¿ What if we did not have any expectations other than meeting and talking to some nice people.¿ Would that change the fear aspect in any way?¿

¿

Tell new men that you talk to that you are just after friendship and some good conversation and do not expect anything more yourself.¿ Dont expect anyting more than one meeting, or even a chat online.¿ Bring it down to a level below where you feel that fear kick in.¿ Next time you talk to that man again dont expect anything more than the current conversation or the next meeting.¿ This has worked for me with dating fear and other things and hope it does for you too.

¿

Thank you again NellyElly for posting and I do hope that lots more offer their advice, all my best wishes .. Ozred :)



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Nov 22, 2009 14:30

Quoting aimeefla:

Fear what is it? I heard this on the Radio the other day and I liked it. I've been thinking about it, even printed and hung it on my corkboard. F E A R False Evidence Appearing Real. Think about it, is it ? or isn't it? With regard to being fearful of rejection. Obviouly fear of fire, death, harm these are real. Does the fear of rejection appear to be real, yet it's false? It's our own inseucuity rearing it's ugly head to cause us to be intimidated, by OURSELVES. My other point is that we fear rejection, but at the same time, we're rejecting those that don't fit into OUR life theme. As many have said above. Natalie


Thanks Nat, and I do agree with how fear is defined here.¿¿Agree that in most cases is what "fear" is, a false evlauation we have made about the situation.¿ Though I do think that many, myself at¿times too, can not grasp it for the fear is being made real by the perceptions we all have.¿ Why do we make it such an issue that some one that we met and even got along with does not want to get into more with us?¿ Not everyone will like us in the same way and we certainly dont like everyone we meet?¿ It would be a crazy world if we did. lol

¿

I used to teach people how to get work and one clasee was about why they were rejected and the how they felt about the rejection.¿ Most, like in dating, take it personally, though once we went through the list of reasons why someone may not have gotten the job it was obvious that there were so many reasons and most times were not personal, but totally having to do with wht the company was looking for.¿ It also worked well for the people to then become the boss and have to choose employees themselves to see that rejection was in most times all to do with the rejectee.

¿

As you say these types of situations can bring up all those insecurities that we all have an abundance of and they will give us the reason why we were not good enough if we allow them to.¿ Guess Im saying dont let that happen for as you have stated here they are false reasons.

¿

If everyone can remember the last potential partner they themselves rejectied I am sure that they will find in most cases that the person had may good qualities too, that they were worthy, nice etc .. but just not right for you.¿ I think that if people remember this when they feel rejected it just might help them not get stuck in this or worse feel that they are not good enough.



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Nov 22, 2009 13:38

nellyelly, I am 56 and only recently realized I had a self made shield around me to protect me from getting 'hurt' by anyone. I actually sabotaged possible relationships without realizing I was doing it. It's like ur mind has decided that it's better to end the relationship yourself than to let someone else hurt you. I think you have to figure out why you feel that fear. I found mine. Came from when I was very small. I won't tell everyone my life story, lol. I'll just say, all the men in my life from the time I was little, never stayed around and so I don't ever think a man will stay with me.Common sense tells me that isn't true of all men, but it's still a glitch in my thinking process that will take awhile to leave. But, knowing now what I have been doing, has helped me see it and work around it. If I hear myself talking myself out of a possible relationship, I start forcing myself to rethink it, take my time and not quickly judge or decide. Hope I helped ya a lil at least. Smile-azure


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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Nov 21, 2009 23:55

Quoting ozmark:

I think we all fear rejection, we look at our selfs and say hey I'm a nice person, I do good, I treat others how i want to be treated, and when we dont get that back, I think we all question ourselves, the hardest part of rejection is not knowing why, we have all had the "we get on so well" line, but then hear no more, then we think, why then, do I hear no more? I think over the internet its easy to just walk away, for what ever reason he or she may have, but that dosent help us who end up feeling rejected does it, its the not knowing why for me, but you end up with a thicker skin, and start again, thats what we do!!!


Hey Ozmark, good to see you in the blogs.¿ Are you my kissing cousin? lol¿ Good to see another "Oz" here .. grins.

¿

Do agree that it is much easier on the internet just to walk away, though do still think its rude, especially if you have given them a lot of time or a lot of yourselfl.¿ Though too many people these days dont have manners, sad to say.

¿

Now I am curious why you need to know the why?¿ I mean if a you have been told that it wont work, that is do you need to have more detailed?¿ I have found that when I have told men this they then want the exact reason and then try to change or convince me that this will change about them.¿ Do women do this as well when faced with rejection?¿ I can understand how having to handle this sort of thing can make one just not that easger to go there.

¿

I do think that we all have to some degree a fear of rejection, but I guess that I now feel that in this world of internet dating that one should not take it personally especially in the early days of getting to know one another.¿ We have the opportunity to meet so many that we may not have met in the traditional ways and usually we have more than one choice goiing at one time.¿

¿

Though if someine did not think it would work with me¿I can understand that it was something about how they saw their future with me that did not work, but does that make me any less or not worthy.¿ The man who thinks Im fabulous may be just around the corner and what one did not appreciate the other will cherish.¿ Well I hope he will.¿ lol



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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LonelyInFL
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Nov 21, 2009 20:54

You're absolutely right Oz. Life is what we make of it (like most I'm learning the hard way). You have to make your own happiness. We're all human and as such we have fight the urge to think the worst of ourselves...to not be our own enemy (which is practically impossible).

Trust that eventually you'll find the right person for you and seek happiness in every small way possible.

¿

M



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LonelyInFL
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Nov 21, 2009 20:47

Quoting butterbll:

I feel it is a true fear of every one wanting to connect with a new person has. However it also can be mystafying and frustrating to all as well to all. Esp. if the person you are dealing with is not honest and does not come right and tell you the truth. Rather than them trying to be soo P.C. and not hurt any ones feelings, and giving you false hope. I feel it is better to flat out tell them that you feel it is not going to work out. Rather than them giving you the cowardly act of the "Fridgadaire Treatment" and hope you get the drift.


Well said!¿ :)



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Lexxillee
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Nov 21, 2009 02:20

Hello Oz, Really enjoyed reading the different views here...There are so many factors that make up rejection...Can go back to childhood and how we are taught to deal with life's issues...No-one likes to feel that there is possibly something the matter with them...If like you we look at the finishing of this chapter in our life by the possible reasons as you mentioned it should be less painful perhaps...Have to admit to not like being on either side of the coin so to speak.


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Veröffentlicht am Fri, Nov 20, 2009 20:31

Hi again oz, Yes I admit I do usually take it personal if the person doesn't say goodbye and at least tell me why. That is part of what happened to me recently. I found myself saying, wow, did I scare him off, did I say something that made him upset, did he think I was a player, or etc etc etc. I agree with ozmark that the 'not knowing why' is the worst part. To me, it is very self centered to just walk away without a goodbye. Very cold. Sorry, but also it's very very gutless. Just my opinion, lol. Smile -azure


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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Fri, Nov 20, 2009 18:53

Quoting azureblue753:

I popped on to see who's bloggin. Nice one as always oz. Couldn't resist commenting, even at the risk of being accused of seeking attention...hahahahahaha! OMG Rolf.... I find it very hard to be the rejector, and I would rather be told up front if I'm to be the rejectee! I believe you're right on the reasons why it happens, and sometimes it's best for us that it did. Anyway, we learn from everything, even things that hurt! Azure


Hey there Azure glad you popped in to make comment.¿ I know its hard being¿either the rejecter and rejectee and¿both have their¿degree of¿ discomfort.¿ Though I am sure that most of us would want to know the truth.¿¿ I also agree that we learn by it all but do think that some just think that its because they are not good and that is never the reason.¿ That is the sad part of all of this.¿ Can you take a rejection without it feeling its personal?

¿



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Fri, Nov 20, 2009 18:02

Quoting butterbll:

I feel it is a true fear of every one wanting to connect with a new person has. However it also can be mystafying and frustrating to all as well to all. Esp. if the person you are dealing with is not honest and does not come right and tell you the truth. Rather than them trying to be soo P.C. and not hurt any ones feelings, and giving you false hope. I feel it is better to flat out tell them that you feel it is not going to work out. Rather than them giving you the cowardly act of the "Fridgadaire Treatment" and hope you get the drift.


Yes Butterbll agree with you here, many are just too damn scared to tell you how they feel and think that no communication will somehow be gentler on us?¿¿That is one that I dont get with people at all???¿ It cant be that hard to tell them you dont think its going to work.¿ Though on saying that I have had the situation where they have then given me the third degree as to why i thought this and tried to concince me to keep trying as they were sure that it could.¿ Now this can be a really uncomfortable situation too. In the end honesty is the best policy rather than be left in mystery.



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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NellyElly
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Veröffentlicht am Fri, Nov 20, 2009 09:27

What do you do when you fear rejection so much that you don't actually put yourself out there to experience it? I have such a lonely existence because i am frozen with fear that in my 40 years of living i have only met two people. Both times i rejected them because i was scared they would do it to me and through my niavity said the dreaded words, 'it's not you it's me'. I cringe at myself knowing that i said that and can't understand why they didn't want to stay friends... any words of wisdom from anyone? :)


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aimeefla
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Veröffentlicht am Fri, Nov 20, 2009 08:58

Fear what is it? I heard this on the Radio the other day and I liked it. I've been thinking about it, even printed and hung it on my corkboard. F E A R False Evidence Appearing Real. Think about it, is it ? or isn't it? With regard to being fearful of rejection. Obviouly fear of fire, death, harm these are real. Does the fear of rejection appear to be real, yet it's false? It's our own inseucuity rearing it's ugly head to cause us to be intimidated, by OURSELVES. My other point is that we fear rejection, but at the same time, we're rejecting those that don't fit into OUR life theme. As many have said above. Natalie


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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Nov 19, 2009 16:01

Quoting Katwoman1968:

I don't think rejection is personal BUT I know when I get rejected I take it as personal. It's all in the way we perceive it. I think most of us take it personally because it hurts us. It's hard not to. Just my 2 cents :-) Kris


Thanks Katwoman and you are so right, it is all about how we see it and that is why it hurts.¿ Having been there so many timesbefore and feeling that I am less or not worthy, letting it stop me from doing what I want it to do, afraid of the hurt.¿

¿

I have been lucky to have met lots of men, most that I have had to reject.¿ Now for a lot of these they were great men, nothing wrong with them but they were just not right for me. Guess this has given me a different outlook than I have ha in the past.

¿

I think that getting rejected makes me self reflect on who I am and what was perhaps missing but no longer do I take it as a bad thing, guess if others could get to that as well dating would be lots more fun for them.

¿

¿



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Nov 19, 2009 15:25

Quoting Babycakes63:

Thank you Oz!


Your welcome Babycakes ...hugs to you :)



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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