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Is it cheating? Is it forgivable? Sort by:
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bluegirl2006
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Veröffentlicht am Mon, Jan 19, 2009 06:52

A friend (no its not ME, lol!) has a boyfriend who has many female friends, most of whom are former girlfriends. Recently she snooped (yes, we ALL know that was wrong) and found a text message on his cell-phone that indicated he'd been heavily sexually flirting with one of these women friends just the night before. My friend was devastatated. This man is someone she believes is "the one" and she is very much in love with him. They are both young, but she believes they will marry and build a family together. She confronted him, they had a fight, and he initially blamed the other woman for tempting him. He promised never to speak with the other woman again and was very upset at the prospect of having ruined this relationship. After the fight, she left. He talked to his parents and his closest friend. And then after they both had time to cool off, he talked to her. He then "manned-up", admitting it was his mistake. Luckily it was only a one time thing and the situation had not progressed to "physical" cheating. They talked for a long time and decided they love each other enough not to throw everything away over this. It may take her awhile to trust him again, but she has forgiven him and they are moving forward together. My question is - if this were your situation how would you handle it? Was it cheating? Would you dump him? Or would you be able to get past it and move forward together?


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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Feb 03, 2009 04:40

I would need to know in what way these texts were being sent ie friendly/joking or serious? Also was this girl one of his ex's and if she is, the relationship she had with him ie was it a couple of weeks and more friendly or a long term serious relationship.

If it was just a female friend and the texts were in a joking/friendly way - then no it isnt cheating and it doesnt even need to be forgiven. I have friends I have known for over 10years who are male and there is no chance of relationship or any feelings there, yet there is the odd comment which could be percieved as flirtatious etc. Its all just good fun between good friends.

If the girl was his ex - it gets a little more complicated if it were me personally. Assuming that there is no feelings left from the relationship and they are just friends, and the texts were sent in a joking friendly way, I would say it was not cheating. If it were serious and there were feelings there, then I would say it was cheating.

Personally in any situation with this scenario I would say it was forgivable through talking as your friend appears to have done as it is just a text at the end of the day.



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bluegirl2006
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Jan 31, 2009 13:43

To Wayne - yeah, you're right. She did cross the line in looking at his phone. But see he knew she would because he knows her well. She's been cheated on by exes and she's been very honest with him about her past experiences. They don't consider their phones private. He wanted to get caught. To Kat - I'm sorry you were hurt by your ex. But you are right, there are still some great men out there and some are even on this site. I hope you find one. I did. To True - I agree that you need to always be vigilant in your relationships. Not suspicious, but not blissfully ignorant either. I hope your wounds heal my friend. To China - Thanks for your good wishes for these two. I think they can make it. To Curvy - You are very wise. You are the only one who realized maybe it was cold feet. To Oz - You are also very wise. Some serious talks were indeed called for. Update: They ARE still together. They did have several long talks and explored the root causes of this behavior. I too believe it was cheating. But to a minor degree. And yes, I do believe there are degrees of cheating. Sometimes cheating (especially if only a one-shot deal) is a symptom of a problem in the relationship - a cry for help if you will - and will not necessarily be repeated if the problem is explored and resolved. It doesn't always mean the relationship is doomed. Of course, there are also times when someone is a serial cheater and just can't be faithful. But I don't believe that is the case here. This couple has only been together a short time and were moving very VERY quickly. They had already been discussing moving in together, getting engaged in the near future, getting married, having babies etc. Turns out that although he does want a future with this woman, and even initiated a majority of those fast moving conversations, he started to feel overwhelmed by how quickly things were going. He began to panic. And he made a choice to act out in a way that could sabotage the relationship out of that fear. How many of us have done that and regreted it later? One thing to note is that this couple is quite young - merely 23 or 24. Following their explorative discussions they decided that they will move in together in the next month or so, but to take the pressure off, all further talk of getting married/having babies and such very permanent and potentially overwhelming things will be postponed for awhile to give them a chance to just enjoy each other without worrying about all those other very permanent responsibilities. I DO believe these two have a real chance of making this relationship work, because they truly care about each other and are committed to making it work. They have learned a lot from this - communication and problem solving together. And they have both been so open and honest with each other in working through this issue. Isn't working through problems together one of the most important parts of a relationship? Thanks for all your input.


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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Fri, Jan 30, 2009 19:46

To me this is emotional¿and mental cheating, but cheating it is.

¿

I would be having a very serious look at this relationship and what he felt was missing in¿the relationship for him to want to go there.

¿

I think I would give him another chance but only after some long serious talks.¿ Good luck to your friend.



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Veröffentlicht am Fri, Jan 30, 2009 01:03

Yes, it is cheating, because it was private.

Yes, snooping is bad, but I think people only do that when they have a suspicion and they want to back it up with proof. I don't think anyone does it to try and 'set up' the other person. (well some do but that didn't seem to be the case here). It would be worse if she started in on him because she *thought* he was *up to something*.

I believe the only way they can survive this long term is with proper counselling. I am sure he is very regretful and sorry, but he clearly doesn't know the real reason why. Being 'tempted' isn't good enough. We all deal with temptations that we don't give in to. I am sure he is not a bad person but he is mixed up, and your friend should make sure he is 'unmixed' before they marry.

Maybe it's just cold feet, maybe it's an inability to properly close off an ended relationship, who knows. But even if they move on now, the elephant is well and truly in the house!

All the best to your friend, I hope they work it out.



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bbwchina
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Jan 22, 2009 05:38

For me, the question of whether it's cheating or not can be answered in this way, was this something that was done in secret or was it out in the open?? Harmless flirting is generally done in front of others especially the gf/bf, but when it goes behind closed doors so to speak (or via text where only seen by one another) then it's crossed the line. Whether it's forgivable depends on the people involved, at this point in my life (with my past history with men)I daresay it would be difficult for me to forgive, because then you must forget and put it behind you and move on. That's easier said than done, but I don't believe that it means the guy is destined to ALWAYS be like that. I wish your friend the best of luck and I hope her relationship works out for the best, whether they are able to work past this and live happily ever after, or if she has to break it off and move on.


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truefriendinme
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Jan 21, 2009 13:14

Well, I have to say, kudos to your friend for going with her gut and checking his phone. She obviously had some suspicions, or she wouldn't have done it. I think it is considered cheating, or that's how I see it, anyway. And, I agree with Abz that I don't think she will be able to trust him again. But, hey, who knows? What I DON'T necessarily agree with is that old adage of "reltaionship based on trust". I do agree that there must be trust in a relationship-- wholeheartedly, I agree. But, once you have that feeling that your spouse / bf/ lover is cheating, all bets are off! Right then and there, the trust is already broken--even before snooping in the text messages, emails and briefcase! (I might even check a few other areas of interest, if this were me =) Having been the one cheated on before, and being taken TOTALLY by surprise by it, I think that once you have that feeling your signifigant other is cheating, he probably is. I say, give him another chance because he "manned up". But, if she has that feeling again, DUMP HIM.--True


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Katwoman1968
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Jan 20, 2009 11:56

For me personally I consider this cheating. From past experience with my ex-husband once a cheater always a cheater so I would dump him. But that's just my situation and personal opinion. I find it VERY VERY hard to trust now but have come to realize that not all men cheat....there are alot of good ones out there. Kat


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AbzWayne
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Jan 20, 2009 11:48

So the guy "Manned Up"... Firstly, a relationship that isnt based on trust isnt going to work, so your "Friend" has crossed that line. Flirting with Ex's, via a text msg, sounds like cyber sex to me... Flirting is just that, Flirting!! I have seen a lot of examples of that over the last weekend at my brothers birthday, Its Harmless, as long as it is only flirting. I would have your "Friend" re-evaluate what her "Love of her life" Lad really means to her. To be honest with you, I give the relationship a year MAX now, as it looks like your friend wont be able to get this out of her mind. Why a year.... the trust barrier has been broken, at some point it will be washed away with suspicion and deception! On a mental note, whats the Guys thoughts in this??? Seems like he is labeled the baddy when its your friend thats the snoop???


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