Blog description: Dear true friends,I can't thank you enough for being the dear people you are.I don't take any of you for granted.I sincerely do hold you dear to my heart.Anyone who has taken it upon themself to judge me,thanks for showing your chameleon ways so I don't continue to bother with you.To my true friends,thanks for being you.I feel blessed you are a true friend and I will do everything within my power,(currently limited to x-ray vision only),to help you any way I possibly can if needed. :)
My blog address: http://LargeFriends.com/blog/wanda_worldCopy
To my chagrin, I realized yesterday that while I have been away tending to some personal needs, the most artistic, creative, delightfull,uplifting and playful works of literature on LF had been removed from the blog area with the removal of Lazy Afternoons blog. It was a blog where one could always go for a variety of comments-some uplifting, some outrageous, some thought provoking, others whimsical. I shall miss it.
I don't have the time, nor the desire to read through all the past blogs to ascertain exactly what happened, although it appears that the moral character of some people are being judged, feelings have been hurt, and rather than friends bringing out the best in each other, friends have brought out the worst.
We are all from different backgrounds,cultures,nationalities and have diverse spiritual beliefs. That's what makes us all unique individuals. What is morally acceptable to one of us, may not be acceptable to another.
Some may say a man was wrong for honestly stating he wanted sex with no strings attached.
Some may say a man was wrong for saying in his blog he wasn't married;many will say that even though he posted that, they realized he probably was married or was in a relationship.
Some may say the man was open, honest, and upfront about his relationship status at the time and his thoughts of seperating from his wife.
Some may say they chose to stay away because they didn't know what his status was.
Some may say they chose to see him anyway as they thought it was morally acceptable to have a relationship with a married man.
Some may say this was wrong.
Some may say they chose to see him anyway as they thought it was morally acceptable to have a relationship with a married man who was currently seperated from his wife.
Some may say this was wrong.
Some may say they chose to see him anyway as they thought it was morally acceptable to have a relationship with a married man who was currently seperated from his wife.
Some may say this was wrong.
Some may say it was wrong for some people to know the man's marital status and not tell others.
Some may say that telling others would be a breach in confidentiality between friends, and that is wrong.
Some may say they chose to stay away because they encouraged him to stay with his wife and try to make his marriage and family successful and they didn't want to be a part of possibly tearing it further apart.
I am far from perfect and don't believe that I deserve the right to criticize, judge, or condemn any of the folks involved in this situation. Not one of us is perfect;if we think we are, we are just fooling ourselves.
I am saddened this all happened and hope that people here will find forgiveness for one another in their hearts.
I was visiting at a friends house today and she opened the fridge and pulled out a can of whipped cream and we each of course had a large squirt-who can resist! It got me thinking about other uses for whipped cream besides the typical uses-on top of pie, pudding and Jello.
So I went in search of other uses for whipped cream and this is some of what I found:
Apply whipped cream to wet skin as a substitute for shaving cream.
2. Condition your hair.
Apply one-half cup whipped cream to dry hair once a week as a conditioner. Leave on for thirty minutes, then rinse a few times before shampooing thoroughly.
3. Make a sour cream substitute. Mix three or four drops of lemon juice with one cup whipped cream and let sit for thirty minutes.
4. Give yourself a moisturizing facial. Whipped cream helps moisten dry skin when applied as a face mask. Wait twenty minutes, then wash it off with warm water followed by cold water.
5. Soothe the burn on the roof of your mouth from hot pizza. Fill your mouth with whipped cream to coat the lesion.
6. Remove make-up. Wet face with lukewarm water, spread a handful of whipped cream on face, rinse clean with lukewarm water, and blot dry.
7. Improve relations. Give new meaning to the phrase "dessert topping."
8.Sucking out the nitrous oxide so you can talk like Donald Duck (not recommended!)
More whipped cream ideas anyone? I never knew you could do so much with it!
WOW! I just read this post online
elsewhere and was rather shocked!
Someone asked why people seemed to ignore posts/profiles by BBW's and this was a thin womans response:
Fat people ARE lazy because if they weren't they'd be moving around and wouldn't be fat.
Fat people ARE slow unless some of them invented anti gravity. It takes more energy to move around those pounds (very simple physics) and they don't have that energy because they don't move around in the first place.
Fat IS unhealthy, and there are THOUSANDS of medical studies that prove that.
Fat people DO lack self discipline because if they didn't they would freakin' diet and wouldn't be fat!
I have yet to meet a fat person that doesn't possess all of these traits.
Someone responded stating
"I have an eating disorder due to Dystheimic Disorder (a form of depression) which started before I was overweight, it is not something I can control...Some people CANNOT control it...would you tell an anorexic or bulemic that it was all their fault? it's the same thing!!!"
To which this woman responded:
Just as alcoholic can't control his drinking? And then goes into rehab. So are you doing anything to get help for your problem? Do you exercise? Do you diet?
Comments? I'd love to respond with numerous replies from y'all!
As Bob was waiting for his flight to board, he overheard some other passengers saying that the Pope was going to be on their plane. "How wonderful! Here I am, a good Catholic, and I may get a chance to see the Pope!" he thought excitedly.
When he boarded the plane he looked around but didn't see the Pope anywhere. Bob felt a little disappointed but sat in his seat and began reading a book, happy that he seemed to have an empty seat next to him for the flight.
Right before the doors to the plane closed, the Pope boarded and, to Bob's surprise, sat in the seat next to him! Bob smiled to himself, thinking what a good Catholic I must be to have been given such an honor! The Pope proceeded to pull a crossword puzzle from his carry-on luggage, which caused Bob to become all the more joyous. "I love crossword puzzles too!" he thought. "Perhaps the Pope might ask for my help!"
Sure enough, after a while, the Pope began to tap his pencil and stare off in deep thought. Finally, he turned to Bob and said, "I don't normally speak to strangers on flights, but I'm having a little trouble with my crossword puzzle here. Tell me, can you think of a four letter word for "woman" that ends in "U-N-T"?"
This made Bob a bit uncomfortable, but his mind began racing as he tried to think of an appropriate answer. He brightened a bit and replied, "The only word I can think of is AUNT."
The Pope frowned and looked down at his book. He turned back to Bob and asked,
"Do you have an eraser?"
Kids say and do the darnest things. I loved this story!
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I
always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over
shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in
pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like
that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If
they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is
Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh,
oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have
a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was
from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there"
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show- and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Consider this ... and remember that it is all completely true.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
HERE'S THE KICKER:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe....
Some may say that women have unrealistic fantasies about a romantic man that will come and sweep them off their feet. It may be said that a woman will never find a man who possesses wonderful attributes, does the yard work, fixes things, cooks, cleans, does laundry, grocery shops,treats a woman with love, respect, delights in doing things for her and with her, and cherishes her on top of it. Does such a man exist? Indeed I believe such men do exist-and not just in my fantasies- also in real life too. But no man is perfect and ladies need to be willing to accept that guys have faults just as women do-else where will all end up like the ladies in this pcture-waiting for our perfect man!
For many years I have pondered over the fact that female bisexuality is much more acceptable to men and women than male bisexuality is to women and men. I imagine that over the course of time this will change. It will probably happen faster than some want,yet too slow for others, but I see it happening. In the mean time, it's an interesting dichotomy. Why do you think there is this discrepancy?
This blog is dedicated to all the fine men out there!
I love men because they often make me laugh and giggle.
I love men because they give me love, affection and
attention that is hard to give myself.
I love men because they make me feel safe, secure and protected when they are around.
I love men because many of them are strong, confident
and don't need the validity of others around them to
know and be who they are.
I love men because they allow me to be vulnerable, and
not always have to be strong.
I love men because many of them are my coworkers in
fighting against inequality.
I love men because many of them are interesting,intelligent and witty.
I love men because some of them are loving,kind,gentle,trustworthy,honest, compassionate and passionate.
I love men because they usually don't get as emotional as women, nor are they as inclined to gossip about others as some women do at times.
I love men because they are analytical and usually
willing to try to solve a problem.
I love men as they are usually fun to go places with
and easy to get along with.
I love men because they are good at lifting heavy stuff, opening jars, and killing bugs.
I love men because they can often create and fix stuff.
I love men because deep inside they still are mischievious little boys with eyes of delight.
I love men because they will usually be upfront with
you about how they think about you.
I love men because they can beat you at arm wrestling even if they are smaller than you.
I love men because they are created to be half of a whole.
I love men because they are....
The Why's of Men and Women
Over a hundred and eighty years have passed since the birth of Susan B. Anthony,a woman who became very concerned over the discrepancy between the wages of a man and a woman. She supported increased pay and equal rights for women, strove to outlaw slavery and campaigned diligently-against much opposition, for the rights of women and blacks. She spent her life trying to get an ammendment passed giving women the right to vote. She fought for equal rights for women-in marriage,the ballot box, property rights, the right to keep her children, and for women's rights in the work force so that women would not be forced to spend their lives subservient to men or working on the streets as prostitutes to support themselves.
Here we are now, a hundred years after her death and her legacy remains. Women and blacks now have the right to vote,own property,keep their children, and divorce and marry.
However, there still seems to be a vast discrepancy in the pay allotted to men and women.
According to US Census Bureau statistics, the average earnings for FEMALE high school GRADUATES (with no college) working full time in 1991 were $18,042. Those of MALE high school DROPOUTS working full-time were $20,944. Those positions traditionally held by women were all grouped at the low end of the pay scale, while traditional men's jobs, even those that require very similar educational requirements, effort and experience on the job, are paid more. Even though a secretary is as vital to a company and she is equally as important as a truck driver, she is routinely paid less than the truck driver. Today women are still less than 10% of all lawyers, federal judges and doctors, yet women represent 51% of the US population. More men are also replacing women in top positions in social work, elementary schools and secondary schools,libraries and nursing--once thought to be women's fields. During the course of one's lifetime, earnings of women are dramatically impacted by the wage gap. The average woman is shortchanged $420,000 in salary and even more considering her pension is based on these unfair earnings.
Susan B. Anthony-your lifetime of work will not be in vain. I for one will stand up and fight for equal rights and equal pay for women. I believe that all people should have equal rights-the right to be a non-working partner in a relationship, the right to be a working partner, the right to marry,divorce,have children and receive equal pay.
Some people may believe that in this day and age that a woman at home tending to the children, house and partner is rather ludicrous. I am an assertive liberated women and support those who are assertive, ambitious, try to better themselves and their families and who support the furthering of equal rights for women. There is a difference however, between an assertive person and one who is overly aggressive, manipulative, a control freak, demeans others (in an unjoking fashion), or who exhibits self deluded arrogance.
Since women are no longer confined to the home, many are diligent hard workers who are singlehandedly supporting a family, why are men still making more than women? Hopefully some day we will see equal pay for men and women.
Sometimes something I will read- a a short story, a poem,a magazine article or lyrics to a song-seem to ever so lightly and gently caress my soul, cause me to tingle, or leave a lasting impression upon my heart. This is one of my all-time favorites.
SCHROEDINGER CAT NAP
While you're asleep
I'd like to superpose my body over yours
Aligning our buzzing possibility waves
Till each cell of me's
In closest quantum association
With each cell of thee
Our hearts aligned, our pulses
Our lungs aligned, our breathings
Our brainwaves, our pelvic twitches
Every capillary's motion
Completely in sync
I'd like to enter you fully, love
In a way no other man has ever imagined.
For a time with you
I'd like to feel naked superposition:
Then extinguish my mind
And fall asleep inside you
Go to sleep me added to you
Co-experience your girlish dreams
Then waking before you do
Take my leave gently
Breaking our superposition
Unravelling our mutual possibilities
Leave only our phases intermingling
Like tangled bed clothing
Alone in my bed
I recall what I've read
About the quantum connection:
No space there, no time
So the physicists say
So for billions of years, dear
We've slept together this way.
c Nick Herbert 2002
Wishing everone a Happy Mardi Gras from southern Louisiana! You haven't been to a real party if you haven't been to Mardi Gras! As they say here locally-
Laissez les bon temps roulet!
(Let the good times roll!)
A male friend that knows I love quotes sent me these quotes about women so I thought I would share them. Some I find true, some funny and some I disagree with just a tad bit. If a woman was to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry Women like silent men. They think they're listening. ~Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956 Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final msterpiece. ~Author Unknown Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. ~Marianne Williamson, "A Woman's Worth" Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~Bill Maher A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. ~Carrie Snow You start out happy that you have no hips or bo*bs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. ~Cindy Crawford Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away. ~Laurence J. Peter The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Author Unknown A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy. ~Ellery Queen Curve: The loveliest distance between two points. ~Mae West Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. ~Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. ~Chauncey Mitchell Depew The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. ~Elizabeth Metcalf A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. ~Oscar Wilde There's something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that. ~Harold Robbins Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~Quentin Crisp The most popular image of the female despite the exigencies of the clothing trade is all bo*bs and buttocks, a hallucinating sequence of parabolae and bulges. ~Germaine Greer Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked. ~Ovid Howiver, I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men. ~George Eliot, "The Harvest Supper," Adam Bede Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. ~W.C. Fields Women really do rule the world. They just haven't figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we're all in big big trouble. ~"Doctor" Leon Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man. ~George Meredith Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966 Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed. ~Cornelia Otis Skinner Lovely female shapes are terrible complicators of the difficulties and dangers of this earthly life, especially for their owners. ~George du Maurier Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly. ~Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton) The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom. ~Guy de Maupassant I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. ~Ogden Nash When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. ~Gail Sheehy The torment that so many young women know, bound hand and foot by love and motherhood, without having forgotten their former dreams. ~Simone de Beauvoir They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. ~Author Unknown Be to her virtues very kind, Be to her faults a little blind. ~Matthew Prior They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. ~Oliver Goldsmith A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women. ~Edgar Wallace It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone. ~J.M. Barrie, What Every Woman Knows If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. ~Aristotle Onassis Men will always delight in a woman whose voice is lined with velvet. ~Brendan Francis Men really prefer reasonably attractive women; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966 I married beneath me - all women do. ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951 Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand, Letters to Voltaire Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women. ~Elsa Schiaparelli If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments. ~Art Buchwald, 1974 Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. ~Oscar Wilde She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1973 It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. ~Alexandre Dumas, fils I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. ~Fred Allen When a woman comes to her glass, she does not employ her time in making herself look more advantageously what she really is, but endeavours to be as much another creature as she possibly can. Whether this happens because they stay so long and attend their work so diligently that they forget the faces and persons which they first sat down with, or whatever it is, they seldom rise from the toilet the same woman they appeared when they began to dress. ~Joseph Addison All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966 A woman should soften but not weaken a man. ~Sigmund Freud Women are in league with each other, a secret conspiracy of hearts and pheromones. ~Camille Paglia When I glimpse the backs of women's knees I seem to hear the first movement of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony. ~Author Unknown A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a da*n if she's late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966 I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else. ~Bella Abzug The basic Female body comes with the following accessories: garter belt, panti-girdle, crinoline, camisole, bustle, brassiere, stomacher, chemise, virgin zone, spike heels, nose ring, veil, kid gloves, fishnet stockings, fichu, bandeau, Merry Widow, weepers, chokers, barrettes, bangles, beads, lorgnette, feather boa, basic black, compact, Lycra stretch one-piece with modesty panel, designer peignoir, flannel nightie, lace teddy, bed, head. ~Margaret Atwood Women go to beauty parlors for the unmussed look men hate. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 Women polish the silver and water the plants and wait to be really needed. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 You have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one. ~Carolyn Kenmore There are women who do not like to cause suffering to many men at a time, and who prefer to concentrate on one man: These are the faithful women. ~Alfred Capus No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. ~Author Unknown Physically, a man is a man for a much longer time than a woman is a woman. ~Honor? de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart. ~Author Unknown Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966 I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on. ~Billy Joel A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery. ~Diana St?rm In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman. ~Nancy Astor, My Two Countries God did it on purpose so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you. ~Mrs. Patrick Campbell, in reply to a male acquaintance who asked why women seem to have no sense of humor Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson A woman asks little of love: only that she be able to feel like a heroine. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966 I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason. ~Stanley Baldwin I should like to know what is the proper function of women, if it is not to make reasons for husbands to stay at home, and still stronger reasons for bachelors to go
Messed Up Family Tree
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
Can you imagine that?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
Q. What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q. What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A. Hog and kisses!
Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A. Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. "I'm sweet on you!"
Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. "I find you very attractive."
Q. What did one pickle say to the other?
A. "You mean a great dill to me."
Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. "I love you a ton!"
Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. "You're fun to hang around with."
Q. Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q. What did the pencil say to the paper?
A. "I dot my i's on you!"
Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. "I love you a whole watt!"
Q. What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A. Ughs and kisses!
Howard you like a great big kiss?
I am going to be flying to California for a cruise in about 2 months and figured I'd spend a week and see some of the state while there. Anyone have any must see suggestions while I am there? I figure I may go to San Francisco, Santa Monica and perhaps San Diego.
Great places to go or see out of the ordinary? I enjoy learning
about local peoples and their culture.
Here's several recipes made from excellent for you healthy food choices loaded with vitamins and minerals that are easy to fix (most in 15 minutes or less) and offer a variety of tastes so you don't easily burn out on eating the same foods day after day. Enjoy!
Prep and Cook Time: 15 minutes
1 12oz bag of fresh or frozen cranberries
1 cup fresh orange juice
1 tsp minced fresh ginger
1 tsp minced orange zest
? tsp cinnamon
? cup crushed pineapple
? cup honey
Bring orange juice, ginger, zest and cinnamon to a boil on high heat in a medium saucepan.
Rinse cranberries and add once liquid is boiling. Reduce heat to medium and cook uncovered for about 10 minutes.
Add crushed pineapple and honey. Remove from heat and cool.
Yields 2 cups
10 Minute Fresh Berry Dessert with Yogurt & Chocolate
This 10 minute dessert combines our favorite flavors in a quick and easy way that is rich tasting, yet healthier than many desserts. The chocolate is a great complement to berries and yogurt. It is perfect for those moments when you want to enjoy this wonderful combination of flavors.
Prep and Cook Time: 10 minutes
1 basket fresh raspberries or strawberries
8oz low fat vanilla yogurt
2 oz melted dark chocolate
Fold together yogurt and berries.
Melt chocolate in a double boiler with heat on medium. Place berries and yogurt in individual bowls and drizzle with melted chocolate.
* For a more formal presentation you may want to pour a pool of yogurt on a plate and place berries on top of pool. Drizzle chocolate over berries.
A nice little dessert treat that is pretty quick to throw together 1/2 cup sesame butter(tahini),organic,1/4 cup honey,1/2 cup carob chips(or pure chocolate chips),1/4 cup chopped pecans or walnuts , 1/4 cup raisins ,1/4 cup medium shredded coconut --mix all together.Form into balls.Roll balls into fine coconut or fine ground nuts so they are coated all around.Eat and enjoy.You can use any other organic nut butters--chunky peanut butter works good too. Refridgerate if not consumed right away.For variation try also adding about 1/4 cup diced dry apple or fresh if you are consuming right away,or same quantity of apricots,dried or any other dried fruit.
Orange Tahini Dressing
A delightful light dressing that only takes a few minutes to make. Its
simplicity invites variation. Try adding 1 teaspoon chopped ginger and 1-2
teaspoons tamari. Or, add 2 teaspoons poppy seeds and 1/4 teaspoon
Chinese 5 spice powder.
2 tablespoons tahini
1/2 cup fresh orange juice
pinch sea salt
1 teaspoon grated ginger
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon dulse flakes
1/8 teaspoon curry powder
In bowl, add orange juice gradually to tahini, stirring after each
addition. Add salt. Dressing tastes fine as is, or add spices to taste.
Yields approximately 1/2 cup.
1/2 cup organic apple cider
1-2 TB raw honey
1/3 cup virgin olive oil
1 tbsp fresh herbs or a pinch of dried
1/2 tsp Braggs liquid aminos
1-2 cloves garlic
Miso walnut dressing ----2 tbls. of miso(get a light one made of barley or wheat)1/3 cup freshh raw walnuts,1/4 cup sesame oil,1 tbls.raw or unpasturized honey,2 1/2 tbls.brown rice vinegar. Blend all ingred, together in a blender untill smooth.If you like a thinner consistancy than add a little water.Serve immediately or refridgerate.(makes a yummy vegie dip for raw vegies too.)
10 Minute Fruit & Cheese Salad
Prep and Cook Time: 10 minutes
? cup green seedless grapes
3 fresh apricots, cut into eighths
3 dried figs sliced medium thick
? lb mixed salad greens
2 TBS fresh lemon juice
salt and cracked black pepper to taste
extra virgin olive oil to taste
3oz goat or gorgonzola cheese
*optional ( ? lb sliced turkey breast cut into bite size pieces)
Toss all ingredients together and serve. Top with goat or gorgonzola cheese.
Oriental Lettuce Wraps
dice small or grate:
carrots, celery, brocoli stalks, cauliflaur, mushrooms,
or any variety of veggies that you prefer. Toss with a good oyster sauce or an organic tamari. Add fresh bean sprouts and toss. Spoon veggies into fresh, washed lettuce leaves of your choice. Roll cabbage roll style and enjoy.Also wonderful for an appetizer when serving a multi-course meal.
Greek Lettuce Wraps
tomatoes, cucmbers, onion, (a little smashed garlic)
toss with a good oil (I prefer extra virgin olive)a little lemon juice, add fresh basil or any herbs that you prefer. Spoon veggies into fresh, washed lettuce leaves. Add a few good olives and grated firm tofu. Roll cabbage roll style and voila!! a greek roll.
smash soaked beans of your choice. add a little cumin, chili powder, garlic or whatever your preference.
dice small: tomatoes and add to beans.
Now be creative. Add some soft or firm tofu, peppers or whatever your tastebuds would like. Roll in washed lettuce leaves.
Rosemary Lamb Chops
Prep and Cook Time: 15 minutes
12 lamb chops
6 TBS fresh lemon juice
3 TBS chopped fresh rosemary,
3 medium cloves garlic pressed, ? tsp salt
? tsp black pepper
Mix together lemon juice, rosemary, pressed garlic, salt and pepper. Rub lamb chops with mixture. Set aside on plate. (you might want to prepare the rest of your meal at this point)
Preheat broiler on high heat, and place a metal oven-proof pan big enough to hold lamb chops under heat to get hot, about 5-7 inches from the heat source. Heat pan for about 10 minutes.
Once pan is hot, place lamb chops in pan, and return to broiler for about 4-5 minutes, depending on thickness of lamb. Lamb is cooked quickly as it is cooking on both sides at the same time.
Roast Turkey Breast with Chipolte Chili Sauce
Prep and Cook Time: 20 minutes
Sliced cooked Turkey Breast
1 medium onion, minced fine
4 medium cloves garlic, minced fine
1-2 canned chipotle chilis, depending on desired spiciness, minced fine
3 TBS prepared Dijon mustard
3 TBS tomato paste
3 TBS molasses
1? cup + 1 TBS chicken broth
1 TBS chopped fresh oregano
salt to taste
Heat 1 TBS broth in a stainless steel skillet over medium heat. Healthy Saut? onion in broth for 5 minutes stirring frequently.
Add garlic and continue to saut? for another minute.
Add rest of ingredients and simmer for about 15 minutes, letting it thicken slightly.
Slice turkey and serve with sauce. (For a smoother consistency for your sauce you can strain if desired before serving)
15 Minute Braised Fennel Salmon
Prep and Cook Time: 15 minutes
1 1/2 lbs salmon fillet cut into 8 pieces skin and bones removed
1/4 cup + 1 TBS chicken or vegetable broth
1 large fennel bulb sliced thin, save 1 TBS chopped green tops to use for garnish
2 TBS fresh squeezed lemon juice
salt and fresh cracked black pepper to taste
Season salmon with a little salt and white pepper. Set aside.
Heat 1 TBS broth in 10-12 inch stainless steel skillet. Healthy Saut? fennel bulb in broth over medium heat for 1 minute stirring constantly.
Add ? cup broth, lemon juice, pinch salt and pepper, and place salmon on top.
Reduce heat to low and cover. Cook for about 5 minutes. Do not over cook fennel, or it will lose its flavor. Sprinkle with chopped green fennel tops. Adjust seasoning to taste and serve.
10 Minute Seared Tuna
Prep and Cook Time: 10 minutes
12 oz of tuna cut into 2 steaks
2 TBS mirin rice wine, (can be found in Asian section of supermarket)
1 + 1 TBS fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 TBS soy sauce
1 TBS minced fresh ginger
3 TBS minced scallion
salt & white pepper to taste
Preheat 10-12 inch stainless steel skillet over medium high heat for 2 minutes.
While pan is preheating, rub tuna with 1 TBS lemon juice, season with a little salt and white pepper, and prepare ginger and scallion.
Cook tuna for 1-2 minutes on each side, depending on thickness, and remove from pan. 1 minute will cook it rare. Place on a plate.
Turn heat down to medium and add rest of ingredients to pan in order given, and cook for 1 minute. Season with salt and pepper. Pour over tuna and serve.
A friend and I were laughing last night about different mondegreens and I found these online and thought they were cute. These are all song related.
The actual lyric is the second line.
and there's a wino down the road - I should have stolen Oreos
and as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our souls
Stairway to Heaven
bake me a pie of love OR bring me an iron lung!
I can light bananas with my nose on fire!
bring me a higher love
I can light the night up with my soul on fire
Everybody's crazy 'bout a shot glass man
Everybody's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man
every time you go away you take a piece of meat with you
every time you go away you take a piece of me with you
Every Time You Go Away
I could not believe we'd ever dock forty cents
I could not believe we ever got forty cents
I could not believe we'd ever die for these sins
I can see those spider veins
I can see those fighter planes
Bullet the Blue Sky
-The Steve Miller Band
Big Old Jed had a light on
big old jet airliner
secret Asian man
secret agent man
Secret Agent Man
I want a piece of bacon
I wanna be sedated
I Wanna Be Sedated
you've got mud on your face, front disc brakes
you've got mud on your face, a big disgrace
We Will Rock You
I sometimes wish I'd never been boiled in oil
sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
I'm standing in the middle of life with my pants behind me
I'm standing in the middle of life with my pains behind me
Middle of the Road
Everybody in a wholesale frock
everybody in the whole cell block
his car has four-wheel drive
his car is warm and dry
Don't Stand So Close to Me
a year has passed since I broke my nose
a year has passed since I wrote my note
Message in a Bottle
no dukes of hazzard in the classroom
no dogs orgasm in the classroom
no dark sarcasm in the classroom
Another Brick in the Wall
Jeremy's smokin' crack today
Jeremy spoke in class today
I've got a backache from loving you
I've got a bad case of loving you
It's like I told you, only the lonely get laid
It's like I told you, only the lonely can play
Only the Lonely
I've got two chickens with parrot eyes!
I've got two tickets to paradise
Two Tickets to Paradise
changes come around real soon; naked swimming in bed
changes come around real soon, make us women and men
Jack and Diane
-Mannfred Mann's Earth Band
wrapped up like a douche, you know the rumor in the night
revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night
Blinded By the Light
We are living in a Cheerio world, and I am a Cheerio girl
we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl
last night I wanked off some Dago
last night I dreamt of some bagels
last night I dreamt of San Pedro
La Isla Bonita
Gonna dress you up in nylons
Gonna dress you up in my love
Dress You Up
you make me eat....but I'm on a diet!
you make me weak, I'm gonna die
Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'
Rocket man, burning all the trees off every lawn
Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone
her heavy head turned to ice cream, being the one
then every head turned with eyes that dreamed of being the one
I supply the face
Eyes without a face
Eyes Without a Face
Doughnuts make my brown eyes blue
Don't it make my brown eyes blue
Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
don't you know you've got two chocolate monkeys?
don't you know you've got to shock the monkey
Shock the Monkey
when the rainbow shaves you clean, you'll know
when the rain washes you clean you'll know
stuffing my face with his fingers
strumming my fate with his fingers
Killing Me Softly
you hardly talk to me anymore, when I Kung Fu the door at the end of the day
you hardly talk to me anymore, when I come through the door at the end of the day
You Don't Bring Me Flowers
Blew out my flip-flop, stepped on a pop-tart
Blew out my flip-flop, stepped on a pop-top
looking for my lost Digger the Dog
looking for my last shaker of salt
The girl with colitis goes by
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
She's got a tic in her eye
She's got a ticket to ride
Ticket to Ride
-Creedence Clearwater Revival
There's a bathroom on the right or
There's a baboon on the rise
There's a bad moon on the rise
Bad Moon Rising