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Magdaleina
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Feb 06, 2010 11:55

I frequent two different sites, as a bbw. The one I found first -- a free site, and it's done wonders for my perspective -- and this one, which I pay for, on occasion, because it lists a lot of people within driving distance of me. I'm not on either just to make friends. I'm here (and there) because I want to meet someone, hopefully my future significant other, and I know that if I want to have success in searching for that, I need to put myself in places where, bottom line, my weight is not going to be the deal-breaker.

I realize this sounds a tad egotistical, but I don't care because it's true: I'm fucking amazing, and it's a damn shame that so many guys I know miss out on realizing that because they're simply not physically attracted to me. I have a high self-esteem when it comes to literally everything but my body. I am here because being here means I don't have to worry about what someone else thinks of that. Save for a few rare outliers, my bases are covered.

The trouble is that here? And in the other place I frequent? My body is somehow the only thing that I'm ever complimented on. It's the conversation starter. I had no idea that the exact opposite of my initial problem -- people who were turned off by my appearance -- could be just as troublesome, if not more. I don't talk to people who open conversations here by telling me that I'm beautiful or -- which is more often the case -- my "pics r hot". Does anyone here besides me realize how screwed up that is? Now, I realize some guys may actually think that's the angle they need to approach from, but seriously, word to the wise: If we have pictures up and you message us, we kind of ASSUME you are into how we look. You are on a site for meeting bbws. If this weren't your thing, you wouldn't be here. Talk about something else.

It's frustrating, even discouraging, that neither of these places have worked yet for me. I very rarely meet guys I can hold an interesting conversation with -- and while I harp in my profile about literacy, sometimes it's not even that. You can always tell if you're on the best possible wavelength with a person because the conversation flows naturally. You're witty when you talk with that person, and they are, too. You banter. It's absolutely exhilarating. I've officially run into that -- maybe twice. Once recently.

Part of my problem is that I'm completely unwilling to start even potentially building a relationship with someone if they don't live within at least 200 miles of where I am. I can't drive, and meeting is absolutely essential to me. If they're not willing to travel, I don't see it working out. "Why can't you do long distance?" you might ask. Well -- the fact of the matter is that I'm looking for a relationship and am not willing to pretend to be in one with a person I'm never going to meet. The last time I was in a long distance relationship, when the guy decided he was done with me he just disappeared. This was a person I'd worked up to phone conversations with, who I conversed with really well, and -- I'll admit -- who I had begun to love and who professed the same feelings to me first. And then he just disappeared. Changed his net stuff. Screened my calls. And just never spoke to me again. I certainly did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. I was kind and uncontrolling. I didn't demand all his time -- in fact I cherished personal time a great deal. I didn't stalk. I didn't nag. And really, I almost wouldn't have been as angry if he'd just broken up with me, but I seriously went about a month terrified that something had happened to him. All because -- as far as I can tell -- he wanted out but didn't want to deal with any consequences or look like the bad guy.

Another word to the wise, to anyone who decides to break up in a relationship, man or woman: The acrobatics you try to pull off in order to avoid confrontation and becoming the bad guy? Is what makes you the bad guy.

So no, I don't confidently feel I can strike up that sort of bond with a person anymore if they live too far away.

And very recently, I found someone who was not only close by, but within the span of a few emails he was absolutely excited about making arrangements for us to meet. He had me scoping out local places for dinner and a movie, and he was looking at hotel rooms. And the conversation? The only complaints I had were that it'd span one to three emails a night and then I'd have to be patient until the next day. I've never been so excited to email a person before. It was that good.

And then he disappeared for a week. I thought I'd said something wrong or that he'd gotten hurt or worse. So after seven days I emailed to see if everything was fine. He tagged me back a couple days later to inform me that he was fine, and that he hadn't really been to the computer at all due to hectic things at home -- work and a lot of drama, and he did not want to bring a single negative thing to me. But he promised that once he was on his feet again he'd email me. I honestly prepared for the worst. Not because I was certain it would happen -- I was actually really confused. Up until he stopped emailing, things were going smoothly, and we were absolutely clicking. A week later, I was getting the "He's just not that into you" vibe. It was a complete turn around.

A couple days later, I found out why. He'd quit his job, in what he described was a very "Jerry McGuire" fashion, and had interviewed for another. On the other end of the country. And he got it, and had to move immediately. It meant he was getting to do what he loved, for good pay, in a better environment, and he was absolutely thrilled -- while understanding that these heaps of opportunities for him meant there was absolutely nothing good in store for whatever friendship we were shortly attempting to build.

I congratulated him, and never heard from him again. Which I can hardly blame him for -- we've been so similar up until now, so I can only imagine that he's just as unwilling to manage a relationship at so great a distance. And I'm so happy for him that he got such an opportunity that I feel selfish and bitchy for thinking about how much hope I'd started placing on this turning into a relationship, and how unfair that was to him, and how unfair the entire situation was in general. The absolute wrongness of it all immediately shot me into the sort of mindset where all you can think is that you must have done something horrible in another life that you're being punished for now. And that's a terrible feeling to have. You want to be happy for people, but when you go into something on sites like this -- expecting something to come of it, you can't help but feel just a little selfish, too.

The direction this blog has gone in pretty much accurately describes what's become of me. I went in strong and confident and ended feeling like there's something I'm not fundamentally getting about this place (or the other). I think I'm a little right to have something like this damage my self-image, no matter how little there is to blame on anyone. It's just exhausting.

Loneliness, in general, is exhausting. And damaging. I came here to fix that, so why is it that it just keeps getting worse?



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Geekus
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Jun 09, 2011 22:57

Hi. This is coming late to the game, but not much else I can do. I have gone through very similar experiences as what you describe here, so it's not just you. I've been led on so often I sometimes check the mirror to make sure I don't have a ring in my nose. "Another word to the wise, to anyone who decides to break up in a relationship, man or woman: The acrobatics you try to pull off in order to avoid confrontation and becoming the bad guy? Is what makes you the bad guy." Gonna have to steal that. Anyway, I don't know if I'm too far away for you, or otherwise undesirable, but I will say that the things that most drew me to your profile was your writing style, expressiveness, sincerity, and of course that you are a female gamer, a rare enough creature on sites like these. Way too much is put into the importance of looks, on both sides, and it makes us all neurotic. Brian Posehn has a joke where he says "You never look at an old couple and think, 'man, how'd he get HER?'" We're all going to end up shriveled and old, so why be so picky, especially if the hard stuff, i.e. personality and emotional compatibility, seem good? For what it's worth, I have ended several very short-lived relationships in the last few years because it wasn't ever going to work, and I did so by stating my feelings openly and frankly, and getting it over with as quickly as possible. I feel guilt very keenly and I don't want to walk around knowing I'm holding someone's feelings hostage. I have often asked myself why I seem to be the only person capable of this.


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HappyBastard
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Veröffentlicht am Sun, May 16, 2010 01:47

First: I totally love reading your blogs. You have a very interesting way to describe everything with such detail that pretty much make me imagine the whole thing like a movie. Second: It sucks that sometimes when we set ourselves for a good outcoming then everything just turns around. Maybe is not the right time to meet your one, or maybe you just had to meet the 'wrong' ones first to later on realize you got a list of things to screen a possible match and make sure he is the right one. I've found out that so far dating all the wrong girls at least now I know what I don't want and what I want for a future relationship. I believe that if I am willing to give my best then I deserve the best too. But is kinda hard to find, still looking...


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Magdaleina
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Mar 24, 2010 06:17

I wasn't aware they censored like that here. I guess it makes sense; they don't want people spewing profanities at each other in the forums and stuff, or posting explicit things in the blogs? I don't know. I said it, but I didn't use it to profane anyone, or out of anger (not saying you did). Within the context it was the best possible word I could have chosen.


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ozredhead62
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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 23, 2010 16:04

Quoting AmuseMe

Why'd you get to say and I can't?????? lol


Hey what did you guys do.... pay them off??? I could not even say s6x without them taking out a whole sentence.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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AmuseMe
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Mar 18, 2010 12:08

Why'd you get to say fuck and I can't?????? lol


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Magdaleina
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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Mar 18, 2010 05:59

It's really sad to hear that you were treated that way, and I appreciate you telling me, but I disagree that was what happened here. With all due respect, I don't think this person used me. Given the responses of others he knew at the time all this took place, I'd argue that his reasons for leaving, though sudden, were genuine.


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ClassicCAlady
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Mar 17, 2010 03:05

I just wanted to add my two cents. This has happened to me a few times on dating sites. Not this site maybe because I am new here. I met a guy who lived in the next city over, he said that he was leaving for a new job in Africa. His wife had died and he had a child. Because he was in a different country he couldn't get his money and wanted me to send his child a birthday present. This took a few months of sweet talking to me and ALL the pretty words. And he would say things like 'I though you really cared about me." And because I was Godly woman that I should send him the money, even when at the time I had no extra money to send. Did I give him the money? No! But it did hurt that I was being used.


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mikedurkin
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Mar 13, 2010 06:23

WOW! You are truly "****ing Amazing" I am blown away, I hope you never compromise on what you believe and feel right now, you are the kind of person who will accomplish amazing things. It is not too uncommon to find that strong willed ( I bet you can be as stubborn as a mule at times) and intelligent women intimidate weak, dim and spineless men. That is a GREAT THING. Just know that all these men vanish before any serious damage is done, you have filtered out the unworthy. I have had similar experiences, women who seem to be wonderful in emails and even on the phone, they turn out to be nothing close to advertised ( and not physical appearances- So what if the person who sets your soul on fire is short and looks funny- the heart and soul see much more). Your pretty young, you have an outstanding outlook and have confidence. To hell with the game players- usually they are bored married men or unhappy live-in boyfriends imagining how studly they are and then have to cut it off because they are afraid they will get caught. You will find the one man who sees you for exactly who and what you are, probably when you least expect it. I still have no doubt I will find my soul-mate-. Only one suggestion, don't limit yourself to the short circle around your house, maybe someone would befriend you on one of these sites and not be a game player- perhaps a chat buddy, may be passing through someday and offer to meet you for a coffee and BANG! that is the one. Best of luck to you, oh, don't be too hard on the guys who say : Oh my, you are beautiful" They probably mean it. +++The Bigger the Risk, The Bigger the Glory+++


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iamprincess1
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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Feb 14, 2010 07:56

Bravo!



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naught_bbw
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Feb 06, 2010 19:44

Magdaleina, I applaud your honesty and empathize with your frustrations.  It's hard to be a woman on a "dating" site.  Many men want a hookup and others feel I (the fat girl on a dating site) should be desperate enough to welcome any attention.  I think they forget that women online are women in the real world.  And, if the corny BS doesn't work when meeting me in the market, WTH makes them think it will work in cyberspace?

I'm on this site because I want to find friends who can accept me just as I do.  I want to find folks with whom I can chuckle.  I want to find folks who will nod in understanding when I talk about the size of plane seats and the woes of finding an outfit that will accentuate my "hotness" without making me look sausaged and bulge-y (yes, I know it's not a word.)

I also enjoy blogging and reading other blogs.  It's like a penpal friendship for me, and I like it.  I have enough people IRL who want time and need something more than my thoughts.  I like having this little community where no one demands more than I can give at the time. 

I don't want to find anyone.  I don't need to be saved from a lonely life because I'm not lonely.  I don't want to be appreciated for my looks because I am so much more than that.  I don't desire to be adored for my flab because it could decrease or increase and I'd still be me inside.  And, I don't need a hookup because I've got a wonderful partner already. 

Don't let the frustrations of the cyber chase get to you.  Be happy with you and never settle for less than you deserve.  Good luck!



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Magdaleina
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Feb 06, 2010 19:36

PlayTime4Me, I just want to point out that I'm not imperceptive. I am initially leery of people who don't post photos -- but I tend to find that the ones who can write on the same level I do are only not posting their photographs because they're self-conscious or because, like me, they're not here to cyber and get really sick of people asking for pics very quickly. I've noticed some usernames use sexual jargon, but I notice that in both male AND female profiles. Someone might think your username is suggestive, for instance.

The ones that seem to try to get away with something, or get one over on women (or men) here, are generally easy to spot. They don't say much in their profiles, they're mostly illiterate, and they're inconsistent and tend to try to go for cybering right away. I have no tolerance for any of that.

Finally I want to say that I do not, in the least, think that the last person I connected with was being dishonest, and I wish them the best. On one hand, it told me that there are guys out there. You just have to be perceptive and put yourself out there. I'm just exceptionally pissed that I lost an opportunity.



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Babycakes63
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Feb 06, 2010 18:55

Hey Mag. You are not alone in these feelings and experiences, as a matter of fact you could be reading from my bio. LOL I don't pay for any of my memberships to these sites any longer because I have found that local guys are better off found locally. I keep these sites as a means of socializing with others like us, and to keep my options open (I can't lie). I have had a few really great friends as well as a few lovers. Lonelyness comes with life, I don't believe it to be just a singles thing, I know too many married couples that are living a lie and are more lonely than we are. To answer your question, I believe it gets worse when we focus on the emptyness, the not having anyone... at times the whats wrong with me thinking. My solution would be to try focusing on the hunt, the what do I want and how do I get it. Imagine yourself as the person that you most admire and try to imagine yourself in their shoes... How would they get what they want? Where would they go? I wish you good luck. I know you can psych yourself up and get what you want!


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Brunettladybug2
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Feb 06, 2010 13:56

Hi, I just wanted to say something that would maybe make sense to you since I have just started this site. While scanning through, I noticed the majority of men did not want to show a photo of themselves. To me that means one thing...they are lying about something on their end. Married? Frat boys having a good time at our expense? Criminal sitting in prison? Sexual predator? In a very kind tone, I am asking, did you notice the majority of user names have sexual jargon? I do not think the men on this site seem to be very respectful. I am not signing up for these reasons. I do not think the site owners do their job properly and weed out the very offensive profiles they say are not allowed. I would not have a broken heart until I actually met the guy and saw how he lived and where he worked. It would thrill me also to have someone tell me I'm beautiful just like you did, but again those are words that need to be followed up with a real person that you are standing face to face with and kissing while fireworks are popping behind closed eyes. Better yet, catch him if you can being honest. Sincerely, Stacey from PDX Oregon


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NerdyGuy
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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Feb 06, 2010 13:14

I have trouble meeting people and a huge problem is that I'm painfully shy.  I know I'm intelligent and attractive (at least that's what my mom tells me lol) but I have a problem building up the courage to approach women.  Consequently I've mostly dated women who have approached me first.  I'm also not a "chaser."  If I start getting even the slightest vibe that a woman is not that interested I back way off.  At least twice, I've found out later that she really liked me and wanted me to pursue her. 

I have opened with telling a woman here that I think she's beautiful but it I didn't mean anything bad by it.  A few times the woman lived thousands of miles away just as you do and I just wanted to say hi and good luck.  I wasn't trying to be a player or dog.  I just said what I thought, said "hi" and that was it.  I sincerely hope things work out for you and you find the man of your dreams and do the "happily ever after" thing.  You seem like a strong woman and I'm sure you won't let those negative past experiences get you down for too long.



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