Members Only
  • airemus
  • Chez Airemus
  • If you're daring and/or bored enough to take the trip down the rabbit hole, you are welcome to peruse my intermittent ramblings.
  • 29
Most Recent Visitors
Members Only

25 • Woman
Members Only

29 • Woman
Members Only

60 • Man
Members Only

54 • Man
Members Only

47 • Woman
Members Only

31 • Man
Where intention goes, energy follows Posted on Jun 06, 2006 at 11:44 AM
(This one's a nod to Bluegirl2006, who challenges us all to check our perspective.) As I have mentioned, I joined the cyber-dating world, not in with the belief that I would necessarily find my split-a-part here, but rather as a part of expressing to the Universe that I was serious in my quest. In doing so, I have been very fortunate. While I may not receive volumes of replies, I do connect with some real wonderful people. I also don't get hassled by people who have no respect for boundaries -seems my latent b*tch is very clear in my written voice-lol. Given that so many who contact me are a long way off, this has become more and more, a way of keeping my positive energy up. While I am a hopeless romantic who believes in the possibility that I could find love half way around the world, I am also a realist who knows that it is more probable that it will happen around the corner. I have oft had to ponder and been amused by the hand of fate in my life. Lately she has been up to some serious hi-jinks. Thorough a series of "coincidences" I have been exchanging with a local gent though email. There have been a few moments along the path where I normally would have disengaged, but decided to push past instead. Last night we made real contact for the first time. The results have been most intriguing. Turns out, not only is he local, but we knew of each other years ago when we both worked in the same building for different organizations. At the time, an age difference that now seems inconsequential kept me from considering serious pursuit. Little did I know, Mr. Man was standing close by silently coveting my behind. Now it would be easy to lament the wasted years, but I have come to understand life enough to recognize that everything happens for a reason. We probably needed the interceding years to develop to the point where we were ready for each other. And while it took a lot of twist and turns to get us here, it does not mean this is our final destination. No in this moment, I am just happy to celebrate the wonders of the Universe and grateful for the call to participate in the dance. Moreover, I wanted to share that what success I have had, has not been in the pursuit or in sitting back and wishing, but rather in really opening up, letting go and letting God. Here's hoping that the hand of fate beacons to you today, and that you are brave enough to heed it. Remember that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather feeling the fear and doing it anyway. No guts? No glory!
Let freedom ring Posted on May 19, 2006 at 09:08 AM
I am absolutely giddy today. Yesterday was my last official day at work. I go in this afternoon to break bread with the residents and say a final goodbye. All the change has been hard on them, and I find myself having to curb my enthusiasm. While I know that eventually, the reality of responsibility will bring me back down to earth, for now I feel like I have been given wings! The plan: I am off to Connecticut next week for the extended long weekend to catch up with family and do some serious celebrating. Upon my return, I plan to lock myself in for two weeks and quit smoking. I suppose that after that I will have to start generating prospects. Right now I'm just not worried about it. It all just feels so right, like a plan coming together. Sometimes life takes on a magical quality and I seem to be in one of those periods. Yeah me!
Members Only
S/He is just not THAT into you . . . Posted on May 04, 2006 at 10:00 AM
I recently got closure from a man I was exploring with. Truth be told I suspected we did not have the right mix, but was giving it time to be sure. While we had the basic ingredients, but our rhythms did not match. I honestly have no hard feelings about the miss -erase/replace; we weren't in that deep- but must admit to being miffed by the nice guy tactics. Why is it that we just can't come out and say, "thanks but no thanks?" Why the need for sorry excuses or worst yet avoidance? And I will not even blame men here, 'cause we women play our own games in this area. Why is it so hard to say, "you are a great person, just not the right one for me". And why is it, even in our own minds, we feel the need to find something "wrong" with the other in order to let go. Do we not value ourselves enough to admit that it is about us: our wants/needs/desires. As for receiving a "no thanks", is it so hard to hear? Sure no one wants to get their hopes dashed, but almost every time I have heard those words uttered, the speaker was just jumping me to the proverbial gun. Is it not better to know? To let go and move on rather than to play the "wrong place wrong time" game. Let's face it, I don't care what is going on in your life, if you are really into having and ready for a partner and the right one comes along, then you MAKE time for romance. If we listen, our guts will usually tell us the truth. Sometimes the desire to evade loneliness will suppress good sense, and folks will try to force what isn't there. But how many real stalkers bent on revenge are out there? Do we really need to turn our goodbyes into lies in order to feel safe? And do we not realize that in so tempering our truth, we give such stalkers the mixed messages they feed on? Is it just me that would prefer the hard truth to a well intended lie? Am I the only one who pushes past my own ego in the need to look my truths in the face? Is integrity not en vogue? (If the aforementioned man is reading this; know that this is not an intended shot aimed at you. I really do believe you are a good guy and worthy of good things. It is just this blogger trying to figure some stuff out and writing what she knows as a means of getting there. One Love always)
A willing and playful spirit: Posted on May 03, 2006 at 10:46 AM
Getting back into this dating thing has been a trip after a 6 year absence - I took time out to get right with me. Since I enjoy the culture around it, I don't complain too much. In fact, even with all the ups and downs I am actually having fun and the girl in me is feeling freed again. Now that I am getting- shall we say more mature- I am beginning to notice things I never did before. First, for all the times I have said "there are no good guys out there" I have come to realize that the truth was that I was not ready for a great guy. Second, for all the times I thought " what is wrong with me?" I now know, not a dam thing. I am perfect as I am and getting better each day. Truns out my fat behind is not as important as a healthy self worth. While there is no perfect man out there, I have no doubts that there is one that is perfect for me. It is a question of contrasts, chemistry and compatibility. Moreover, I don't have to wait to be chosen, but rather can and do choose. When I do reach for what I want- win, loose or draw- I gain the confidence to reach again and again. It is the reason I stepped into the cyber world even though I feel safer in a local context. Joining the world of cyber exploration has enabled me to get a wider perspective on the world and a better understanding of dating dynamics. I have learnt the most destructive personality is one that has no clue who they are and what they want out of life. They are usually the ones who use their space only to vent what is wrong in their world. If you don't know what you want out of life, one thing is for sure, you'll get a whole lot of what you don't want! I have found that the only safe way to deal with such a person is to stand firm on your own truths or they will get you lost. More often than not, they will fade away as they just can't handle the concept of life as a participatory sport. I have also discovered that you gain acceptance by giving it. Just because someone does not fit my definition of desirable or relationship material does not mean that there is something wrong with them. They are just in a different place than I, and my lack of interest is just the universe's way of telling me he is not the one. Just like with job search, I believe each "no" I give or receive brings me closer to the ultimate "yes!". The only challenge I still find daunting is getting at truth. First there is the issue of perception. Very few idiots/jerks/pigs know that they are such, and those who do are loath to admit it. Moreover, even regular personality quirks can cause problems. One wants to put ones best foot forward, while at the same time presenting a picture that is real. Even when one makes the effort, it does not always guarantee comprehension. I recently warned a gentleman that I was moody and had a tendency to withdraw into self when I need to process. While he seemed to understand at the time, it seems he is currently either punishing me or pouting because I took off for a few days on short notice. While I hope to get the opportunity to explain, the truth is that I will have to let go and move on if he is not willing to hear me. Fact is, I do not know what baggage he carries, and as such have no clue why he reacted the way he has. Moreover, unless he is willing to lay it out, I have no choice but to accept and move on. A shame, but such is life. In the end, the horse and water analogy comes to mind and to that end, I can only present a willing spirit and hope that others will come out to play. In the meantime I continue my search and have faith that he is looking for me too.
Phone numbers - your opinions please Posted on May 02, 2006 at 07:57 AM
Hey Tall, I know we chatted about this, but felt that with a little more reflection I could clarify further. I think that if men can get it they will go for it. I also have found that once I tell a man that I am not into a quickie they either go away or as many do, will welcome exploration. I am careful of judging first moves, as so many are out of practice or just plain don't know any better. Unfortunately, some try to be provocative and miss. I also don't think that men always get how at risk we as women can feel in the world. I also find there is a small segment of men that think BBWs are desperate and thus easy prey. Hopefully we can dissuade them of this misconception. Here is my standard response to such an email when it comes from someone I might find otherwise interesting: "Subject: Dare to play? As I am sure you have probably discovered, the world of cyber dating can be a crapshoot. I freely admit that I am a toe first kind of person. As such I have found it best to use this tool for exploration before further commitment. I have found the best way to do that is with a round of twenty questions. The rules are simple; we each get 20 questions. We must be honest, but may pass on any question. A pass yields a penalty of 2 replacement questions." I include my first three questions and invite him to send his with his first responses. So far men have been very responsive, and I can usually decide within 6 questions what I am dealing with. It does not do much for judging the chemistry factor, but it goes a long way in exploring compatibility and intent. As for those who pass, I wish them well as I feel they have as much right to their quickie as I do to my splitapart. In fact, I have come to appreciate their forthrightness; it allows me to asses and move on ? no harm no foul. Better this than the man who whispers sweet nothings only to hit and run. Over time I have found that between the tone of my blogs and my profiles, I get less of the players and more of those looking for a life partner.
Just a little update Posted on Apr 23, 2006 at 12:21 PM
Gray day here so I thought this was a good time to update the blog. For that are keeping track, I am happy to announce that my audition was successful and I have been offered a place at Concordia university. All I have to do now if figure out how to pay for it ;o) I am still distracted, but now I am bothered and bewildered as well. A delectable local man has captured my attention and just may capture me as well. Only time will tell, but for now he is batting a thousand. At the very least I have found a great new friend. I hope spring is bringing you all some renewal as well and that romance is spicing your air.
What is with the fat focus? Posted on Apr 11, 2006 at 06:53 AM
Ok, ever since I have been viewing blogs here, something has been eating at my consciousness. While I am amazed and heartened at the courage of some to put their truth out there, I am also amazed at the content. Why is it so many blogs focus on size and weight? I thought the whole point of joining LF was so that weight would not be an issue. Isn't the whole point of this community to connect "large people" with folks that appreciate a little extra or at the very least could not care less? So why is that so many people, particularly women, feel the need to defend, explain, or apologize for being fat? I can't help but feel that the reason some folks can't find their hearts desire is not because others don't like their fat, but because they have a problem with it themselves. How can you project confidence if you feel bad about the most visual thing about you? I realise that there is a lot of pressure for outside to pursue body beautiful, but have we not matured to the point where we differentiate fit/healthy from skinny? Can we not as large people reject the identity that mainstream society would like to force on us to develop a strong sense of self and self worth? Bottom line, if you can't accept and love your fat, why would you expect anyone else to? Moreover, focusing on fat can be a great escape from focusing on those parts of yourself that are really holding you back. Maybe my culture gives me different perspective, as West Indian men are more likely to complain about a mhaga or skinny woman than they would a chunky one. Yes, IMO, real men will still take meat and patatoes over sushi. They just want to feel good about eating it. How can they if you do not feel comfortable serving it up? The only exception I have found to that rule are the men who are so insecure that they wear their partners like jewelry - and who wants a man like that?! When it comes right down to it, I have adopted my sister motto -"love me- love my fat!"
Dreaming of summer fun Posted on Apr 07, 2006 at 07:24 AM
Right now my life is in a bit of- shall we say a holding pattern. I was recently told at work that due to financial limitations my contract would not be renewed. Now while no one likes to be out of work, truth is that I needed to leave this place. A change in the administration has resulted in a change in culture that is just not kosher. Given what I do for a living, chances of me being out of work for long are slim. The problem is not in finding a new job, but in finding one that provides the conditions I need to be at my best. Knowing that does not make it any easier. As many of you know, when caught in a bad situation, it is often darkest before the dawn. For me the sun is due to rise May 18th, and to tell the truth the wait is driving me around the bend. In addition, I plan a return to school this fall, and the selection process for the program to which I have applied is rigorous. I won't know if I am in till June. All this has me living a little up in the air, and since there is not much I can do about it, I am dealing. I have learnt that, particularly in times of transitions, sometimes you just have to step out onto the branch of faith and trust that everything will turn out just right. Thankfully hints of spring are wafting on the Montreal breeze, calling to my inner child. Even in the darkest moments at work, I can feel the giddiness pinned inside champing at the bit to get out. Already my city is starting to come back to life after it's annual winter nap. Midriffs are being bared, hemlines are rising, and pedicurists are dealing with a flood of women scuffing to prepare for sandal season. Spring here is a time of cleaning and renewal, bringing this beautiful city back to her fighting shape and preparing to show her off to the hordes of tourist that will come to wild out. Before you know it, there will be tam-tams on Mount Royal, Villeneuve on Isle St. Helene, fireworks over the Old Port, jazz in the downtown air, comedy on the streets of the Cartier Latin, movies and theatre in the park, and oh . . .The Boyz of summer! How do I face all the instability and keep my head on strait? By knowing that in the near future, waiting for me is a spot on a terrace, where I can sip a Key West martini and watch the boyz go by. Maybe this year one I will find one I wish to invite to join me.
Just an observation Posted on Apr 06, 2006 at 01:33 PM
While I am grateful for the medium, do you think we could get a little punctuation? The question mark, period, and comma are great, but what of (parenthesize), "apostrophes" and all the symbols !@#$%^&* above the numbers? Some blogs, my own included look more like hieroglyphics. Is there some code I need to know to enter these things? Fish, fish I got my wish? Looks like whatever glitch I hit has been fixed. (Update) I think I have figured it out. I can't spell for beans, thus I type my postings in Word then copy and paste. For some reasons the codes do not transfer. If however I put the punctuation in after transferring the text into the post window, then they seem to take. Just thought I would share incase anyone else was bugged by it.
It's all about the fit Posted on Apr 05, 2006 at 08:54 PM
At five foot eleven, not just the size of my behind- what my sister refers to as a baller caller- qualifies me for "big girl" status. Coming from a family of tall women, my height was hardly an issue for me. When I reached full height in grade seven, I simply started dating older boys. Given my precocious ways, it was bound to happen anyway. My Mom and her sisters, while tall, tend towards slender. Put it this way, in her hay day, mom was propositioned more than once to be a model, but her conservative (read prudish) Jamaican values would never allow it. Though Dad clearly found an appreciation for her, being of Bajun decent, he tended to like his women a little rounder Thus when she was pregnant, he put his month on me, by teasing her about her flat behind. As a child, I showed promise of turning out to be just like mom. Adolescence and childbirth however, unleashed the promise of my plump infancy and the Bajun genes kicked in, rounding me out to give more "cushion of the pushing". Though I kept Mom's hourglass figure, I seemed to have gathered more sand in mine. Lucky for me a combination of factors led to me developing a healthy sense of self and positive self-image. As such, though I would love to get into better shape (quit smoking, eat healthier) , I am ok with me. In fact, I have found there are many positive factors to being a big girl. Moreover, being freed from the pursuit of body beautiful, allowed me to develop other parts of me that I deem more important; A sharp mind, a sound heart, and a character based on integrity. Life has also taught me that packaging can be deceiving. While I tend to gravitate towards tall, lithe (read lanky) men, I have dated across the spectrum of body types. In the end I discovered what matters is not the type, but how you feel in each other's arms. Bottom line . . . can we spoon?
is the WAIT due to the WEIGHT ? ? ? Posted on Apr 05, 2006 at 04:28 AM blogs are supposed to be online journaling, so I'm going to put something here that's extremely personal. I don't know if I'll even click "add a post" when I've finished. The thing is, I have pretty much given up on finding someone for me. And believe me, I've heard it from my family; my friends; my coworkers; some of my "largefriends" and even myself that oh, stop looking and it will happen; you're so pretty, smart, funny.....blah blah bliggity blah. Well, I have concluded that I am intelligent; funny; attractive; compassionate; loving; great mother; hard why is it I can't find a partner??? I've been alone for a bit over two years. Am I destined to be alone forever? Is the wait for that someone special really due to my weight? It really p*sses me off when I think of it that way because I know what I have to offer someone....but is ALL THAT truly totally shaded and completely hidden by the weight? I've done some soul searching; I've looked deeper, and that is truly my conclusion. I have even considered the dreaded bypass and was told by my insurance company it would be covered 100%, only to make my initial consulation and have the same insurance company, 10 days later now say it's totally "excluded". And just thinking that if I shed all this weight and certain men started coming around, would I be flattered or angered that those same men who would want to get to know "me" wouldn't have cared to get to know the real me when I was 200 pounds overweight. It truly hurts my heart to concede to the fact that maybe it's not in the stars for me. Maybe the 17 year marriage to my ex was as good as it gets. I'd love to continue believing "THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING MORE".... To resolve to be alone truly makes me sad. So, there it is; I've exposed some really raw innards in this wide world of webbing.....